I got this off an e-mail from a friend, so this is not mine and I take no claim in it. Please don't do these things in real life, it's just for fun and a good laugh. And if あなた do do these things (number 4 fo example), than I'm sorry but you're really dumb.

Enjoy!
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6 Ways On How To Deal With 鮫, サメ Attacks:

1) DON'T SWIM IN THE SEA
もっと見る than 99% of 鮫, サメ attacks happen in large watermasses- also know as oceans. An easy way to tell if あなた are in an ocean is to taste the water- it will taste like salt.

2) SWIM ALONGSIDE FAT PEOPLE
Make sure that there are always fat people in the water with you. Odds are that あなた can swim faster than them- increasing your chances of escape.

3) SUNBLOCK
Replace the sunblock of the person 次 to あなた with BBQ rib sauce.

4) DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE
As soon as あなた spot a shark- furiously stab the person 次 to you. As soon as he is bleeding proufusely- swim away as fast as あなた can.

5) LISTEN CAREFULLY
Every 鮫, サメ has a theme song. If あなた here the following- swim for your life: da-dam. da-dam. da-dam if it's fast like this: dadam, dadam, dadam- give up -you are already screwed.

6) DON'T PANIC
Stay calm if a 鮫, サメ has got you. At this late stage あなた are screwed in any case- survival is not an option... The people on the ビーチ do not appreciate someone screaming & shouting like a lunatic- it just isn't pleasant -think of the children damnit!

Happy swimming! :D