Would あなた read this story???

I was half way up the 火災, 火 escape and I was scared to death wondering when this rusted metal death trap would give way to my weight. Luke was standing on the ground looking at my butt as I climed the rusted 火災, 火 escape. Then right before I reached Mo's window the 火災, 火 escape gave way. First the fifth floor 火災, 火 escape fell onto the fourth one and so on. Then it reached the 秒 火災, 火 escape, the one that I was on. I let go of the 火災, 火 escape and realized this was it. I was never going to see Luke again, but luckely the first floor 火災, 火 escape was still holding all that weight from the 5th,4th,3rd,and 2nd ones.Then as I was falling I grabbed the first floor 火災, 火 escape and stopped falling. I was saved! Then I heard a crack and then the first floor 火災, 火 escape gave way to the weight and feel to the ground. I was among those 火災, 火 escapes, falling the the cement below. Then I hid the ground with a hard "oof" and was in major pain. Luke came running to my side and started running his hand along my legs and arms to make shure i ddin't break anything. Then I felt this sharp pain in my head. I pushed my hand agians the spot it was hurting and then looked at my hand. I was covered with blood. Then I felt woozy and passed out. When I awoke I was still on the ground with Luke looking into my eyes, his eyes full of pain. Then I realized I was being lifted up onto a gurne. I was taken to a hospital, but before we got there I passed out again in the ambulance.
 tigerseye43 posted 1年以上前
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2dolphn97 said:
Ok it has the makings of a good scene but it was rushed and didn't describe well I need to be able to feel her terror when she's falling. And あなた need to substitute words and make it elaborate like: I heard the first floor crack like a round of thunder and suddenly I was falling though the air hoping for a quick death. It wasn't nearly as high as I thought and I landed on the ground with a loud thud. Luke came to my resucue, checking to see if I had anything broken. Their was a stabbing pain in my head but otherwise I was fine.
I just did a little bit of it
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posted 1年以上前 
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ya that does sound better thanks
tigerseye43 posted 1年以上前
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Welcome :)
2dolphn97 posted 1年以上前
jazzys-baby said:
Hi.
The plot pounds very interesting to of but あなた have to improve your style of writing, so that your stories would be もっと見る interesting to read. I've noticed, that the words 'fire escape' were really often mentioned in this short text passage.
But I'd really like to read the outcome of this little 'introduction'
Good luck, hun :*
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posted 1年以上前 
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