Tom waited for the crowd to stop laughing. Once they did, he proceeded with his 次 joke.

Tom: Does the time bother you?
Crowd: *Chuckles*
Tom: I get bothered によって the time. Not so much the time itself, but other ponies bother me. For the time.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: あなた get this old mare that asks what time is it? What time is it?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: As if, あなた yourself were responsible for keeping time.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I mean I feel honored that they think I'm the one in charge, but あなた must understand あなた don't see official time keeper here, do you?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's another way they'll ask you. *Speaks in a British accent* Do あなた have the time?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well no. I don't believe I do. I certainly didn't have it on me this morning.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: あなた know, I think the Navy has it.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Yeah, they keep it right up there in observatory. They let a little of it out here and there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Not too much though. They don't want us using it too much. Just enough.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Time. They'll also ask do あなた know what time it is? Then I say, yes.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I wouldn't want to disappoint them. There's no time, we made it up. あなた don't see any numbers in the sky, do you?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: When the hell is it? We often know where we are, but we really don't know when we are. All the time zones are different. Every calendar is different. These calendars tell あなた what 日 of the 年 it is, but a few countries have different types of calendars. Chinese celebrate the New 年 in February while we celebrate ours in January.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Chinese are also up in the 7000's along with the Hebrews, and we're stuck 5000 years in the past.
Crowd: *Clapping, and cheering*
Tom: How did they do that?!
Crowd: *Cheering, and clapping*
Tom: We don't know when it is, it could be the middle of last 月 for all we know. Yet we have it down so perfect, that every 4 years we have to stick in an extra day. They call it February 29.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Bullshit it's March 1st and I know it.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It just feels like March 1st. What's the sense of keeping track of time? I'll give あなた an example. There's a moment coming. It's not there yet.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's almost there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And it's gone!
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: There's no now. There's no now. Everything is the near future, または the 最近 past. There is no present, welcome to the present. *Whistles while looking to his left* Gone again.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's so imprecise. We don't even care to use the minutes, and 秒 we've been given. What time あなた got?
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: I got uh. *Looks at his right wrist* I got just after.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Just after? Shit I must be slow, I had going on.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Where did that imprecision come from? I remember they taught it to me in school when they were helping me tell time, but of course あなた can't tell time, time tells you.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: But they were trying. Now the big hoof, but I don't have a big hoof.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Never mind. Look at the clock! And the clock is wonderful, there's so much emotion to a clock. I hate digital clocks!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Digital clocks rob me of the emotion attached to the spatial relation of the clock face. Don't あなた feel that the 1st half 時 goes によって quicker when it goes down all the way to 30?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Where as the 2nd half hour, you're fighting against gravity trying to get back to 0!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Holy christ, it's a long climb! I'll tell you, if I had a half 時 to live, I want it to be this one. *Raising his left leg impersonating the clock* Instead of the one where it goes. *Lowers his arm back towards the ground*
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: It can be very vague with the way we say certain things, like now. Now is an interesting one. あなた want that now?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Yes. Well, would あなた like to try again?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: または sometimes, just now. Did あなた hear that? What?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Just now. あなた must have meant just then.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Yeah, just then, but there it is now.
Crowd: *Whistling, and clapping*
Tom: Pardon me, do あなた have the time? When, now, または when あなた asked me?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: This shit is moving Flitter.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's a few others, right away, immediately, just like that, lickety split, at the tip of a hat, and no time at all. As quick as あなた can say Big Macintosh! I'm sure some of あなた have 発言しました that.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Or, I'll be back before あなた can say Big Macintosh. Big Macintosh, haha, you're not back.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: How about a jiffy? *Jumps around the stage* A jiffy! *Looks at the crowd behind him* または a flash.
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: Which one is faster, a jiffy または a flash? I think there are two flashes in a jiffy myself.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: But nopony knows how many jiffy's there are in two shakes of a lamb's tale. But why are there two shakes of a lamb's tale? What happened to the basic unit of measurement? One shake of a lamb's tale!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: We can all do our own arithmetic thank you.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Belched a little there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Then we have words like soon. That's a very emotional one, a lot of potential for drama. *Frowning* Soon!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Soon?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Looks down at the ground* Is your mother coming home? *Looks up at the lights on the ceiling* Uh-huh.
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: *Looks down at the ground* When? *Looks up at the lights on the ceiling* Soon. Real soon.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Looks at the audience* As soon as she can. Sooner than あなた think.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That sounds a little scary. Sooner than I think? That's almost like before あなた know it. I'll be back before あなた know it!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: He did it, holy christ!
Crowd: *Cheering, whistling, and clapping*
Tom: Then there's a few others like one of these days. Before long. Any time now. Well that's true. Everything will happen any time now.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: As well as any 日 now. That one sounds kind of arrogant. こんにちは Ben I'll give あなた back those 5 bucks あなた gave me. Yeah, any 日 now.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Sooner または later, now and then, once in a while, from time to time. In a little while. I think that one's cheerful don't you?
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: It'll be just a little while. または it will take....a short time.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That sounds almost terminal doesn't it? あなた only have, a short time. Where as あなた have, a little while.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Boy I would 愛 to have a little while instead of a short time.
Crowd: *Chuckling*
Tom: Then we have long ways of measuring time, like Kingdom Come. *Talks in a Southern accent* I'm gonna stand here til' Kingdom Come.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well I don't have that on my watch. *Looks at his wrist* Doomsday あなた say? Until the cows come home. That's an easy one to remember, it's around Dusk. If あなた leave them out overnight they burst. Pop!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's a long period of time, forever.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Impatient ponies will frequently say, I've been standing in this line FOREVER!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Look at this Albert. This stallion has been standing in this line. Forever.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: He seems fairly fresh to me.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Almost like an eternity. I've had a few ponies say that to me. It's almost like it's been an eternity. As if they had experience.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Then other ponies use real measurements of time, such as 5 minutes. Give me 5 分 please. Oh are あなた kidding me? I can fix that shit in 5 minutes.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: あなた can do anything in 5 minutes, even things あなた hate. こんにちは let's go talk to Dan. Are あなた kidding, Dan's an asshole!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Look, only 5 minutes. Okay, let's get it over with. It is after all for 5 minutes. But not 10. Now we're entering double digits.
Crowd: *Whistling*
Tom: 10 minutes. Now 15 is popular. Almost everypony in Equestria uses that one. It's got a regulatory tone to it. It sounds like something あなた have to do when you're at work. Especially when you're on brake.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Man, I like 20 minutes. Doesn't that sound もっと見る free than 15?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: 20 minutes. I'll be back in 20 minutes. Shit, what's he going to do?
Crowd: *Laughing*

2 B Continued