Chapter Two
Jessica lounged on 上, ページのトップへ of the Walgreen’s cash register counter.
“So, do あなた even know what your’e going to do about your dad thing?”
“Obviously, I’m doing just fine. I can live によって myself until I turn 18,” Samantha told her, agitated that she was asking that stupid 質問 again
“You do know thats, like, illegal right?” Jessica countered in her annoying teenage girl accent.
“Since when do people here care what’s legal または not?”
Jessica merely shrugged in response, they were yet again at a stalemate. Jessica was the one person Samantha had managed to get to like her while at work. Honestly, she wasn’t exactly the ideal person for her, but hey, at least she was someone. One もっと見る person than she had anywhere. Home, school. No one.
“Omigod, look at that creeper!” Jessica squealed.
This was one her お気に入り phrases, and she used it quite a lot, 与えられた they worked at Walgreens.
“He reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends, the way he’s walking like an ape,”
“Which one? There are so many I can’t keep track,” Samantha interjected.
“Domino, obviouslyyy,”
“Which one was he? And why on Earth was he named Domino?”
This was how their everyday conversations went; Samantha standing there, または bagging, Jessica checking her Iphone repetively and babbling on about nothing. It was better than nothing. または talking about important things. They paid her 4.25 dollars an hour, and Samantha strongly believed she should get paid a lot もっと見る for dealing with this kind of nonsense. But she couldn’t quit because then she wouldn’t have any money, and would have to steal all her food, instead of just some of it. Sometimes, when nobody was looking, Samantha would slip a package of crackers into her pocket. She had to eat somehow, right?
And the dog needed food, too. Poochy soon learned there was no もっと見る dog food, and he was surviving off Samantha’s scraps. Loss of 食 equaled loss of weight, so あなた could almost make his ribs already. Before her father left, Samantha had already been thin, but now she looked near emaciated. When she looked in her mirror, あなた could see the hip, rib, and collarbones, sometimes even through her shirt. But who could she ask for food? Mooching off Jessica clearly wasn’t sustaining her, and $4.25 an 時 wasn’t enough to even pay the bills, yet alone buy food. She’d slipped from a size 4 to a size 0 in only 3 months, and now, being 5’5, she weighed 99 pounds, and ロスト もっと見る everyday. On 上, ページのトップへ of that, she couldn’t afford to buy any size 0 clothes, so her old size 4 ones were literally falling off, She look homeless.That was really the least of her worries, because she was in danger of being evicted. And if she was evicted, they’d find out she’d been living alone. If they found out she’d been living alone, she’d become a ward of the state. And if she became a ward of the state, her life was over. And so on. Thoughts swirled around in Samantha’s brain, threatening to 雲, クラウド her mind. Beckoning her towards them, getting ロスト inside her own head. But Samantha had to keep it together. Keep her grades up. Look normal. So no one would be suscipous. Lately, she hadn’t been sleeping and mania was taking over. She wrote excellent reports, studied like her life depended on it, and brought in straight A pluses in all her classes. At this rate, she had a chance of graduating early.
Her empty stomach growled angrily at her, begging to be fed, like a stray dog. After work, Samantha ストール, 盗んだ a tub of ice cream. It was as if a strange force took over her, forcing her to steal it. And if she were shoplifting, it wouldn’t be ice cream. パン または something もっと見る useful. Something else was controlling her. Stars shining overhead, Samantha inhaled the whole thing, hidden in the shadows of a dark alley. Plowing it in with her hands, Samantha felt like a savage. Uncontrollable. Once she started, she couldn’t stop. The only thing that mattered was eating, she focused solely on it, there was nothing else in life. Everything- work, school, job, her father, sister- was forgotten in favor of ignorance. It was wonderful at first, she’d never been so hungry in her whole life, then she felt like a disgusting inhumane beast, then she felt fat, heavy. Instead of growling, her stomach expanded, a stark contrast to the rest of her twiggy body. Instead of feeling starved, she was stuffed to the brim, ready to overflow and explode.All of a sudden, Samantha felt she horribly fat and a complete pig and she should never, ever be allowed to eat like that again. She stumbled, feeling sick, to behind a nearby ブッシュ and crouched down, overcome with nausea. Not completely because of how much she ate, but also because she was terrified of becoming fat. Sticking her fingers down her throat, she gagged up all she’d eaten that day. She puked and heaved even when a wandering man stopped for a 秒 and gawked at the disgusting sight.
When she was done, Samantha felt so relieved. Her stomach was no longer bloated and distended and a disturbing sense of calm loomed over her, making everything less tense. Suddenly, the bills weren’t such a big deal, she’d find a way to pay for things, eh no problem. The feeling of freedom was like nothing she’d ever experienced before, and she realized, for the first time in a long time, her mind wasn’t racing. Strolling down the 通り, ストリート to go home, she looked like any other teenage girl. If only they knew. Falling into her unmade bed, Samantha realized how exhausted she was. The puking was starting to take its’ toll. Blinking her eyes dreamily soon turned to actual dreams and she drifted off to another world. Far away and far from here. The problems would have to wait till morning.
And wait they did. When she first sat up, Samantha couldn’t exactly place why she felt so depressed, alone, helpless. Her head pounded, and her stomach ached. Looking around, it didn’t even look like her room. Oh yeah, she remembered. She flopped back into the pillows, even though school started in less than half an hour. At this point, she really didn’t care. Let her be sick for just one day. She’d still go to work, she promised herself. With that reassurance, she let sleep claim her again.
2:30. 秒 time Samantha had woken up that day, feeling startled and disorientated. This time, though, she dragged herself out of bed, and slopped on some clothes. The instinct was to eat, but Samantha wasn’t going to have any of that again. Walking to work was almost unbearable, as January was the coldest 月 in Alabama and she didn’t own a coat. 37 degrees probably wasn’t frigid for most people, but it sure seemed frosty to Samantha.
“Gee, what’s up with あなた today, Missy?” Jessica announced in her loud, bubbly voice.
“Don’t even ask,”
She didn’t really feel like dealing with Jessica today, but she had to. Right? Everything started forming a filmy layer of her brain again, making her headache worse than before. Was there a way out? She wondered. Living in Graysville was a fast track to no where. There were only a select few kids who were going to get out. Misty Jenkins, Tom Frick, and Melissa Jackson. They, we were all certain, actually had some talent. または some brains. They weren’t frying theirs with 通り, ストリート drugs. They were the ones who might actually go to college. And get a job. And definetly 移動する away from here. Get the hell out of dodge. Misty and Tom were seniors, but Melissa was a junior, only a 年 older than Samantha. Melissa had always fascinated Samantha, the way even though she wasn’t much older, she had the knowledge of 100 years. Even though she was popular, she was still nice to people. Even though she was athletic, she was still dazzlingly beautiful.
Putting cans of shelves, was lonely, boring work, without Jessica hovering around her. After about oh 6 seconds, Samantha had gotten annoyed and yelled at her to go away. Fantasizing about life away from here, Samantha wanted to get inside other peoples’ heads. What was it like? To live in Chicago? New York? Maryland? West Viginia? Wyoming? What were the people like? Was it different? Were they racist? Were they democrats? Rebublicans? Where did their kids go to school? Did they have futures? She wished she knew. The only life she knew was in this dumpy little town in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, boarding school became an option, even though she knew she couldn’t pay for it. Unless.... No, Savannah hadn’t contacted her, besides クリスマス cards, in 4 years. She wanted nothing もっと見る than to be left alone. Graysville was her past. Somewhere was her future. Monotomy was starting to drive Samantha insane. Wake up, school, work, home, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. How did people do it? Didn’t they want to scream? Wasn’t it agonizing? Everyone telling them what to do. And still doing nothing. Being stuck here. Like a movie tape on pause that never gets unfrozen.
Lights flicked up above her, leaving Samantha in the dusty dark for a few seconds. The store was empty, like a ghost town almost. Full of dead, floating people with unfinished buisness. Ugh, she thought, this is what solidarity does to me. She should probably apologize to Jessica, for being so rude to her earlier. Instead, Samantha left work before her shift was over, slinking out the back exit door. Shoving her hands down in her pockets, she shivered, and nudged a pile of slush with the toe of her show. The hum of パラモア in the background drowned out the hum of gunshots in the real world. Shadows scurried in alleyways, whispering, and disappearing again. Blinking in and out of vision. Invisible.
Just like Samantha was. Nothing. Thin Air. Worthless. Crossing the dark, dank street, Samantha heard a car screech to a stop right in front of her, narrowly avoiding a hit. Her jaw fell open when she saw who was driving it. Melissa Jackson. But it didn’t look like her. She was no longer composed, and her cheeks were tear-stained and had flyaway strands of hair stuck to them. Disheveled, and startled, Melissa stepped out of the car.
“I’m so sorry,” she stammered, voice shaking, like she was about to burst into tears.
“No, um it’s ok, I wasn’t looking,” Samantha wasn’t quite sure how to respond. She’d never seen Melissa like that, and she tip toed back into the car, arms crossed over the chest, like she was holding herself together. Standing in the middle of the street, Samantha stared as the car lights disappeared into the distance. Silence. Suddenly, horns started honking and Samantha was jolted back to reality. Her mind went over and over what just happened, but she still couldn’t make sense of it.
Walking in a daze, Samantha wandered home, swaying as she walked through the アナと雪の女王 air. Something seemed so weird about it, she thought. Something wasn’t right. She had a strange sense of foreboding she couldn’t explain. Melissa, she thought, something’s going to happen with her...
Poochy Pie whined to be let out as Samantha fell asleep, exhausted, mind blank. Dreaming of trains, and nothing but trains, left Samantha even もっと見る tired than before when she woke up. All night, there was an endless slideshow of trains running through her head. Red ones, black ones, blue ones, fast ones, new ones, old ones. What was she supposed to make of that? Deciding to forget about it, she walked to school, unable to stop thinking about it. When she walked up to the door, she had come to the conclusion she’d really ロスト it that time. The only thing she could think about, または remember, was trains. Trains. Train. Trains. Trains. Trains. TRAINS.
“Did あなた hear?”
“Can’t believe it!”
“How could she ever..?”
“Her of all people!”
Everyone whispered, in hushed voices about something unknown. Curious, Samantha asked a ランダム freshman with glasses, and gangly limbs.
“Oh! Melissa Jackson committed suicide last night. She stood in front of a train and got hit on purpose,”
Jessica lounged on 上, ページのトップへ of the Walgreen’s cash register counter.
“So, do あなた even know what your’e going to do about your dad thing?”
“Obviously, I’m doing just fine. I can live によって myself until I turn 18,” Samantha told her, agitated that she was asking that stupid 質問 again
“You do know thats, like, illegal right?” Jessica countered in her annoying teenage girl accent.
“Since when do people here care what’s legal または not?”
Jessica merely shrugged in response, they were yet again at a stalemate. Jessica was the one person Samantha had managed to get to like her while at work. Honestly, she wasn’t exactly the ideal person for her, but hey, at least she was someone. One もっと見る person than she had anywhere. Home, school. No one.
“Omigod, look at that creeper!” Jessica squealed.
This was one her お気に入り phrases, and she used it quite a lot, 与えられた they worked at Walgreens.
“He reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends, the way he’s walking like an ape,”
“Which one? There are so many I can’t keep track,” Samantha interjected.
“Domino, obviouslyyy,”
“Which one was he? And why on Earth was he named Domino?”
This was how their everyday conversations went; Samantha standing there, または bagging, Jessica checking her Iphone repetively and babbling on about nothing. It was better than nothing. または talking about important things. They paid her 4.25 dollars an hour, and Samantha strongly believed she should get paid a lot もっと見る for dealing with this kind of nonsense. But she couldn’t quit because then she wouldn’t have any money, and would have to steal all her food, instead of just some of it. Sometimes, when nobody was looking, Samantha would slip a package of crackers into her pocket. She had to eat somehow, right?
And the dog needed food, too. Poochy soon learned there was no もっと見る dog food, and he was surviving off Samantha’s scraps. Loss of 食 equaled loss of weight, so あなた could almost make his ribs already. Before her father left, Samantha had already been thin, but now she looked near emaciated. When she looked in her mirror, あなた could see the hip, rib, and collarbones, sometimes even through her shirt. But who could she ask for food? Mooching off Jessica clearly wasn’t sustaining her, and $4.25 an 時 wasn’t enough to even pay the bills, yet alone buy food. She’d slipped from a size 4 to a size 0 in only 3 months, and now, being 5’5, she weighed 99 pounds, and ロスト もっと見る everyday. On 上, ページのトップへ of that, she couldn’t afford to buy any size 0 clothes, so her old size 4 ones were literally falling off, She look homeless.That was really the least of her worries, because she was in danger of being evicted. And if she was evicted, they’d find out she’d been living alone. If they found out she’d been living alone, she’d become a ward of the state. And if she became a ward of the state, her life was over. And so on. Thoughts swirled around in Samantha’s brain, threatening to 雲, クラウド her mind. Beckoning her towards them, getting ロスト inside her own head. But Samantha had to keep it together. Keep her grades up. Look normal. So no one would be suscipous. Lately, she hadn’t been sleeping and mania was taking over. She wrote excellent reports, studied like her life depended on it, and brought in straight A pluses in all her classes. At this rate, she had a chance of graduating early.
Her empty stomach growled angrily at her, begging to be fed, like a stray dog. After work, Samantha ストール, 盗んだ a tub of ice cream. It was as if a strange force took over her, forcing her to steal it. And if she were shoplifting, it wouldn’t be ice cream. パン または something もっと見る useful. Something else was controlling her. Stars shining overhead, Samantha inhaled the whole thing, hidden in the shadows of a dark alley. Plowing it in with her hands, Samantha felt like a savage. Uncontrollable. Once she started, she couldn’t stop. The only thing that mattered was eating, she focused solely on it, there was nothing else in life. Everything- work, school, job, her father, sister- was forgotten in favor of ignorance. It was wonderful at first, she’d never been so hungry in her whole life, then she felt like a disgusting inhumane beast, then she felt fat, heavy. Instead of growling, her stomach expanded, a stark contrast to the rest of her twiggy body. Instead of feeling starved, she was stuffed to the brim, ready to overflow and explode.All of a sudden, Samantha felt she horribly fat and a complete pig and she should never, ever be allowed to eat like that again. She stumbled, feeling sick, to behind a nearby ブッシュ and crouched down, overcome with nausea. Not completely because of how much she ate, but also because she was terrified of becoming fat. Sticking her fingers down her throat, she gagged up all she’d eaten that day. She puked and heaved even when a wandering man stopped for a 秒 and gawked at the disgusting sight.
When she was done, Samantha felt so relieved. Her stomach was no longer bloated and distended and a disturbing sense of calm loomed over her, making everything less tense. Suddenly, the bills weren’t such a big deal, she’d find a way to pay for things, eh no problem. The feeling of freedom was like nothing she’d ever experienced before, and she realized, for the first time in a long time, her mind wasn’t racing. Strolling down the 通り, ストリート to go home, she looked like any other teenage girl. If only they knew. Falling into her unmade bed, Samantha realized how exhausted she was. The puking was starting to take its’ toll. Blinking her eyes dreamily soon turned to actual dreams and she drifted off to another world. Far away and far from here. The problems would have to wait till morning.
And wait they did. When she first sat up, Samantha couldn’t exactly place why she felt so depressed, alone, helpless. Her head pounded, and her stomach ached. Looking around, it didn’t even look like her room. Oh yeah, she remembered. She flopped back into the pillows, even though school started in less than half an hour. At this point, she really didn’t care. Let her be sick for just one day. She’d still go to work, she promised herself. With that reassurance, she let sleep claim her again.
2:30. 秒 time Samantha had woken up that day, feeling startled and disorientated. This time, though, she dragged herself out of bed, and slopped on some clothes. The instinct was to eat, but Samantha wasn’t going to have any of that again. Walking to work was almost unbearable, as January was the coldest 月 in Alabama and she didn’t own a coat. 37 degrees probably wasn’t frigid for most people, but it sure seemed frosty to Samantha.
“Gee, what’s up with あなた today, Missy?” Jessica announced in her loud, bubbly voice.
“Don’t even ask,”
She didn’t really feel like dealing with Jessica today, but she had to. Right? Everything started forming a filmy layer of her brain again, making her headache worse than before. Was there a way out? She wondered. Living in Graysville was a fast track to no where. There were only a select few kids who were going to get out. Misty Jenkins, Tom Frick, and Melissa Jackson. They, we were all certain, actually had some talent. または some brains. They weren’t frying theirs with 通り, ストリート drugs. They were the ones who might actually go to college. And get a job. And definetly 移動する away from here. Get the hell out of dodge. Misty and Tom were seniors, but Melissa was a junior, only a 年 older than Samantha. Melissa had always fascinated Samantha, the way even though she wasn’t much older, she had the knowledge of 100 years. Even though she was popular, she was still nice to people. Even though she was athletic, she was still dazzlingly beautiful.
Putting cans of shelves, was lonely, boring work, without Jessica hovering around her. After about oh 6 seconds, Samantha had gotten annoyed and yelled at her to go away. Fantasizing about life away from here, Samantha wanted to get inside other peoples’ heads. What was it like? To live in Chicago? New York? Maryland? West Viginia? Wyoming? What were the people like? Was it different? Were they racist? Were they democrats? Rebublicans? Where did their kids go to school? Did they have futures? She wished she knew. The only life she knew was in this dumpy little town in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, boarding school became an option, even though she knew she couldn’t pay for it. Unless.... No, Savannah hadn’t contacted her, besides クリスマス cards, in 4 years. She wanted nothing もっと見る than to be left alone. Graysville was her past. Somewhere was her future. Monotomy was starting to drive Samantha insane. Wake up, school, work, home, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. How did people do it? Didn’t they want to scream? Wasn’t it agonizing? Everyone telling them what to do. And still doing nothing. Being stuck here. Like a movie tape on pause that never gets unfrozen.
Lights flicked up above her, leaving Samantha in the dusty dark for a few seconds. The store was empty, like a ghost town almost. Full of dead, floating people with unfinished buisness. Ugh, she thought, this is what solidarity does to me. She should probably apologize to Jessica, for being so rude to her earlier. Instead, Samantha left work before her shift was over, slinking out the back exit door. Shoving her hands down in her pockets, she shivered, and nudged a pile of slush with the toe of her show. The hum of パラモア in the background drowned out the hum of gunshots in the real world. Shadows scurried in alleyways, whispering, and disappearing again. Blinking in and out of vision. Invisible.
Just like Samantha was. Nothing. Thin Air. Worthless. Crossing the dark, dank street, Samantha heard a car screech to a stop right in front of her, narrowly avoiding a hit. Her jaw fell open when she saw who was driving it. Melissa Jackson. But it didn’t look like her. She was no longer composed, and her cheeks were tear-stained and had flyaway strands of hair stuck to them. Disheveled, and startled, Melissa stepped out of the car.
“I’m so sorry,” she stammered, voice shaking, like she was about to burst into tears.
“No, um it’s ok, I wasn’t looking,” Samantha wasn’t quite sure how to respond. She’d never seen Melissa like that, and she tip toed back into the car, arms crossed over the chest, like she was holding herself together. Standing in the middle of the street, Samantha stared as the car lights disappeared into the distance. Silence. Suddenly, horns started honking and Samantha was jolted back to reality. Her mind went over and over what just happened, but she still couldn’t make sense of it.
Walking in a daze, Samantha wandered home, swaying as she walked through the アナと雪の女王 air. Something seemed so weird about it, she thought. Something wasn’t right. She had a strange sense of foreboding she couldn’t explain. Melissa, she thought, something’s going to happen with her...
Poochy Pie whined to be let out as Samantha fell asleep, exhausted, mind blank. Dreaming of trains, and nothing but trains, left Samantha even もっと見る tired than before when she woke up. All night, there was an endless slideshow of trains running through her head. Red ones, black ones, blue ones, fast ones, new ones, old ones. What was she supposed to make of that? Deciding to forget about it, she walked to school, unable to stop thinking about it. When she walked up to the door, she had come to the conclusion she’d really ロスト it that time. The only thing she could think about, または remember, was trains. Trains. Train. Trains. Trains. Trains. TRAINS.
“Did あなた hear?”
“Can’t believe it!”
“How could she ever..?”
“Her of all people!”
Everyone whispered, in hushed voices about something unknown. Curious, Samantha asked a ランダム freshman with glasses, and gangly limbs.
“Oh! Melissa Jackson committed suicide last night. She stood in front of a train and got hit on purpose,”
I sit and wonder…
Whatever happened to the days?
Watching BSG and ロスト with Charles,
Playing 星, つ星 Wars with him,
And Shortys?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of Josh helping me through the grief of my father’s death.
Whatever happened to the days?
Of chicken and egg サラダ sandwiches at the SUB and take-out Chinese for dinner?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of GIRLS NIGHT OUT!
Whatever happened to the days?
Of spring at KU?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of KU’s waterfall and walks at midnight…
Whatever happened to the days?
Of all my フレンズ at KU, and what great フレンズ they were.
Whatever happened to the days?
Whatever happened to the days?
Watching BSG and ロスト with Charles,
Playing 星, つ星 Wars with him,
And Shortys?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of Josh helping me through the grief of my father’s death.
Whatever happened to the days?
Of chicken and egg サラダ sandwiches at the SUB and take-out Chinese for dinner?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of GIRLS NIGHT OUT!
Whatever happened to the days?
Of spring at KU?
Whatever happened to the days?
Of KU’s waterfall and walks at midnight…
Whatever happened to the days?
Of all my フレンズ at KU, and what great フレンズ they were.
Whatever happened to the days?
I needed more, more! I threw the book across the dimly lit, wooden attic. The book hit a stack of old newspapers. I tore open yet another book. Nothing would give me my answers.
Why did I feel the need to care for Lucy? Why could I not get Alexander out of my head?
There were pages, and pages of the thought process, but nothing to explain what I felt! Why could no one manage to capture these feelings, and explain them?
A knock on the door interrupted me. “What?” I snapped.
“It is past midnight, Damien. Come to bed,” 発言しました Grey through the door.
“I’ll come when I want to. Now, go away!” Could she not understand I was confused, and angry? She possessed such naivety.
“Fine!” Grey yelled. I heard her storm down the steps. Then I heard her bedroom door slam. I let out a puff of air.
Then I threw another book against the wall. I kicked the whole stack of books, and watched as they toppled over. I threw myself onto the floor, and began crying.
Why did I feel the need to care for Lucy? Why could I not get Alexander out of my head?
There were pages, and pages of the thought process, but nothing to explain what I felt! Why could no one manage to capture these feelings, and explain them?
A knock on the door interrupted me. “What?” I snapped.
“It is past midnight, Damien. Come to bed,” 発言しました Grey through the door.
“I’ll come when I want to. Now, go away!” Could she not understand I was confused, and angry? She possessed such naivety.
“Fine!” Grey yelled. I heard her storm down the steps. Then I heard her bedroom door slam. I let out a puff of air.
Then I threw another book against the wall. I kicked the whole stack of books, and watched as they toppled over. I threw myself onto the floor, and began crying.