-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when あなた speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! あなた aren’t supposed to reply when I tell あなた about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: あなた were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t あなた use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is もっと見る dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let あなた see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: あなた won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from あなた a 年 ago! If あなた are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: あなた can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to 表示する you.
Bella: Why won’t あなた sleep with me?! Do あなた hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The 次 day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! あなた just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did あなた do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car によって tomorrow, though, または else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If あなた don’t want me to stalk あなた tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer または not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The 次 日 at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But あなた don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: あなた want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The 作者 of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic または witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: あなた sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while あなた go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: あなた have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if あなた wanna get laid I don’t want to see あなた as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help あなた get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told あなた were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who 発言しました that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if あなた ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn あなた and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going ホーム now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him によって being with あなた so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: こんにちは Eddie!
Edward: Did あなた give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: あなた got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. あなた can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The 次 day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! あなた keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over あなた for the 次 couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR エモ AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN あなた NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One 時 later-
Rosalie: こんにちは Bella! Just came in here to tell あなた why I would rather choke 子猫 and then eat their flesh before making あなた officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if あなた pitied me あなた would feel bad and do things my way. Do あなた sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: によって asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ヴァンパイア can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill あなた before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The 次 night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from クリスマス Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The 次 day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. または the Easter Bunny.
Bella: または the Volturi. または an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want あなた to choose me. I 愛 you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, あなた do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make あなた 愛 me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape あなた yet, god. あなた have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t あなた be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take あなた ホーム now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz または someone else who could give あなた all the answers?
Alice: No. あなた look もっと見る like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess あなた should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on エモ boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save あなた from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to 狼, オオカミ boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: こんにちは Bella! I got あなた a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! あなた -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a 狼, オオカミ on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that あなた –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do あなた have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something あなた have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! あなた are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ヴァンパイア coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ヴァンパイア coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: あなた don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what あなた think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of ナイフ fights before, I have the most experience fighting than あなた lame 尻, お尻 pacifists. So, I’ll teach あなた guys how to ナイフ our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! あなた JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. 表示する us how to go all second-hand エモ on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: こんにちは Bella? Will あなた marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do あなた do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts によって the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out によって banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five 分 later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: または at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: あなた can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in 愛 with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my ハート, 心 flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, あなた know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can あなた give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: こんにちは Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! あなた have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! あなた make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those 前 .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: あなた need to キッス me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have あなた seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did あなた see those muscles? Wait, are あなた gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He 発言しました the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 分 later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would あなた know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I 発言しました never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for あなた to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. あなた know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes あなた are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? あなた agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because あなた are in 愛 with another man while あなた are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know あなた are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in 愛 with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do あなた hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because あなた are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and によって the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five 分 later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did あなた pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan または something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do あなた understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: こんにちは Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force あなた into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think あなた want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when あなた speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! あなた aren’t supposed to reply when I tell あなた about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: あなた were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t あなた use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is もっと見る dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let あなた see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: あなた won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from あなた a 年 ago! If あなた are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: あなた can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to 表示する you.
Bella: Why won’t あなた sleep with me?! Do あなた hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The 次 day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! あなた just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did あなた do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car によって tomorrow, though, または else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If あなた don’t want me to stalk あなた tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer または not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The 次 日 at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But あなた don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: あなた want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The 作者 of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic または witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: あなた sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while あなた go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: あなた have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if あなた wanna get laid I don’t want to see あなた as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help あなた get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told あなた were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who 発言しました that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if あなた ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn あなた and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going ホーム now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him によって being with あなた so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: こんにちは Eddie!
Edward: Did あなた give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: あなた got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. あなた can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The 次 day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! あなた keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over あなた for the 次 couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR エモ AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN あなた NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One 時 later-
Rosalie: こんにちは Bella! Just came in here to tell あなた why I would rather choke 子猫 and then eat their flesh before making あなた officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if あなた pitied me あなた would feel bad and do things my way. Do あなた sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: によって asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ヴァンパイア can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill あなた before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The 次 night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from クリスマス Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The 次 day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. または the Easter Bunny.
Bella: または the Volturi. または an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want あなた to choose me. I 愛 you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, あなた do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make あなた 愛 me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape あなた yet, god. あなた have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t あなた be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take あなた ホーム now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz または someone else who could give あなた all the answers?
Alice: No. あなた look もっと見る like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess あなた should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on エモ boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save あなた from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to 狼, オオカミ boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: こんにちは Bella! I got あなた a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! あなた -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a 狼, オオカミ on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that あなた –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do あなた have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something あなた have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! あなた are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ヴァンパイア coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ヴァンパイア coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: あなた don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what あなた think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of ナイフ fights before, I have the most experience fighting than あなた lame 尻, お尻 pacifists. So, I’ll teach あなた guys how to ナイフ our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! あなた JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. 表示する us how to go all second-hand エモ on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: こんにちは Bella? Will あなた marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do あなた do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts によって the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out によって banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five 分 later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: または at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: あなた can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in 愛 with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my ハート, 心 flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, あなた know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can あなた give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: こんにちは Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! あなた have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! あなた make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those 前 .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: あなた need to キッス me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have あなた seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did あなた see those muscles? Wait, are あなた gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He 発言しました the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 分 later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would あなた know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I 発言しました never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for あなた to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. あなた know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes あなた are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? あなた agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because あなた are in 愛 with another man while あなた are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know あなた are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in 愛 with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do あなた hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because あなた are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and によって the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five 分 later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did あなた pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan または something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do あなた understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: こんにちは Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force あなた into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think あなた want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
