It’s been awhile since I did something like this. A year in fact. I know this sounds really ‘edgy and cringy’ but I uh used to write. I would write lyrics and poems and sometimes just words. One day I told myself I was done, and deleted everything I’d written, all the darkness and pain I’d expressed. Somehow I thought that if I got rid of it, it wouldn’t exist, or that just maybe I could forget and let things go. I was wrong btw. I had found a sort of way to understand myself a bit maybe. Throwing everything out made it harder? I had no outlet... but I never picked it up again. Sometimes I think about what I wrote and I realize how much I scare me. I scare myself more than any other thing I could ever imagine. Sure, just thinking about it kinda hurts. I was so terrified of myself and also that somehow my friend would find it. [i don’t have that to worry about anymore. Ouch.] I tormented myself with that for weeks. Just thinking about how a few lines would have ripped up her heart. I didn’t want her to understand. I didn’t want to show the other side of me. I think darkly and deeply. I never wanted anyone to ever question what I was thinking. If I went back, would I understand?
Writing probably messed me up more in some ways. In our minds, we learn there are places we shouldn’t go. I stepped over the line.
But. I remember once when I convinced myself to carry on after a page of downward spirals.

So for now, I’m gonna throw stuff down. It won’t be the same. I won’t let it be. I’m not going to collapse again just to remember what lying in a pool of your own shards of ice feels like. Plus I’m not there anymore and I’m never going back., and this time, someone might see it so...
(Diluted. Scribbled. Hurry don’t look back) (I’ve shut a lot of stuff out)

Um
F*ck. Actually I’m not completely sure about this. I know I’m not making sense. I’d go to far. Nvm

Recovery?

From razor blades
To rubber bands
To black lines
on shaky hands
Maybe one day
They’ll be no signs
But I’ll always see the underlines
I don’t believe I’ll ever be
Truthfully, completely free
Water can’t wash it all away
Invisible
Here to stay


No.

When I’m stressed/sad ....relaxing doesn't always work out for me

it makes it worse,just saying.

People will never understand your inner struggles no matter how hard you try to explain.
You only look normal from the outside to them so why the hell would they understand. You fight everyday to stay sane.
Hey ^^ you keep being cool becuse you are worth it :)

Give all you can but never push yourself too hard ..don't go beyond the limit to avoid relapse. You are strong as long as you never stop trying. Its okay to need your loved ones/friends but only you can make it improve better with your willing.

Ok so honestly I haven’t been great in a lot of way...
Don’t really wan5 to talk/think about it too much.
I’m actually feeling extremely detached. To a point it becomes somewhat scary at times.
Overall it’s affecting some physical stuff because my brain isn’t relating myself to myself and that I should be taking care of everything. This pretty much never happens, but I actually had a friend push me to talk to someone and get some help... which I’m not going to do. :/. Part of it is related to an eating disorder I have, which has been getting worse in that it pains me to force myself to eat when I’m Not hungry! Everything tastes l8ke cardboard anyway nowadays. This friend had me eat a corner of my sandwich ‘for sustenance’ because I was getting was nauseous. Having thoughts like oh... I haven’t even gone to bed let alone slept... or worse overall not thinking about it. Or staring as blood drips down my body like ‘oh that’s a lot of blood.’ Instead of I’m bleeding? Where are the bandages? <that gets scary.
Plus stuff that I’ve always had like vague thoughts about things I ‘could’ do, trust me, I’m aware this isn’t super mentally safe. (That’s a whole other subject) ‘haha I could throw myself down these stairs... I can see myself now and my head colliding with the tiles’ or crazy stuff (like I said a whole other topic) ‘what if I stabbed mtself with this pen really hard?’

I’m emotionally numb often- pretty much all the time now (and not 3ven raw-numb, just like abosolute-nothing-I-coul$-care-less-if-i-s­top­ped­-br­eat­hin­g-b­eca­use­-i-­can­’t-­fee­l numb)
Emotionally numb detached and unfeeling is like I’m not actually human...or alive or...
Idk. Just ranting to say sOmEtHiNg I guess. At least I c an acknowledge that I’m noticing this... that’s a good sign.
Yeah

I would like to say to everyone who has been around people who likes sucking positivity out of you,the type of people who underestimates you,make your day worth shit,keep your head up high they are only giving you their unwanted garbage that they been piling up for a while,keep going forward.

My dad is back on his bullshit and on top of that I think he's developing an alcohol problem.

He and my sister fight almost every night. She usually just annoys him until he starts yelling, but it's not even that long before he does since he has a short temper. A very short temper... It's not even my sisters fault for a lot of her mannerisms. Her autism makes it harder for her to understand a lot of things but my dad doesn't know what patience is. Once he gets fed up with her, he starts bellowing and it makes her freak out more. She can get a bit violent, but a) gotta be patient with her b) not like she didn't learn it from anyone. Yeah. I don't know if my dad is actually hitting or grabbing her but he's definitely threatening to,

And now he's lashing out at me again, which is great. And if he's not lashing out he just sets off my anxiety with tiny little things that he trained me to associate with worse, bigger things. Like the Sigh. Or the Look. Or the classic You're Fucking Everything Up which is usually accompanied by the I Never Said/Did That, You're Just Crazy, although both can happen on their own. Or any variety of things. When he does lash out he bellows the same way he does when talking to my sister, and my brother.

Ha. The other day he took one of my notebooks out of my backpack and threw it at me. I don't even remember why. I think I was pissed at him for doing the I Never Said That (That's another long, complicated story) so his reaction upon my saying to leave me alone for the day was to throw a notebook at my face and yell at me and then mock me for having a panic attack. And then when I asked him why the fuck he threw that at me, he didn't give an answer he just threatened to hit me instead next time if I didn't shut the fuck up. Which is why I had a panic attack in the first place.

He says horrible things to me about my siblings for their disabilities, then says horrible things about me, sometimes to my face and other times to someone else, but always so I can hear it.

And I think he's developing an alcohol problem.

So much fun in my household hahah

One of the reason my mental health got better is that I don't stick around those who made it worse
like I used to, if I was still around them all the time, literally nothing will heal me !!
I'm glad I get to just visit them and get the hell out.

I think I may have experienced Exploding Head Syndrome.

So, you guys pretty much know I had to work Saturday. While I was at work, everything was going alright. It was insanely busy, do to it being their big sale they have on the 1st Saturday of each month. Hence why we ALL had to be there. Anyway, while working, I could swear I heard this loud bang/explosion, seemingly for no real reason. It started off as just this loud noise that got higher and higher, until I heard a loud-ass BOOM. And I was just standing there like, “WTF? Did you guys hear that?”

And the response I got from one of my coworkers was, “No”. No one else seem to react to what I heard, which made me feel a bit concerned. And weirded out. So, after realizing I was the only one who heard it, I think it’s safe to assume what I experienced. I heard about it on YouTube once, and it’s even more unsettling now that I’ve experienced it for myself. And while I’ve only heard explosions once, there have been a few other occasions where I’d hear voices. Specifically my name being called on, stuff like that. I never thought much of it until yesterday. It was pretty intense, TBH.

I’m thinking the nothingness is back again. Not like idk... I really don’t know....
It comes and goes in different forms maybe. I’m just feeling really empty completely and utterjly 7nmotivated. And not thinking-ish. My conscious thoughts are very weak and they’re all really... illogical¿ idk I just kinda- I wanna like uh...... idk. I have the feeling that if I go to bed I’m just not going to get up again. I’m going to sit here for a bit. I’ll be careful though.
Cuz from migraine:. “Sunday are my suicde days” I mean I don’t think so I’m too unmotivated I’m not really able to like... do anything so I’m safe
But like...........Sundays are the complete worst. I hate them
⬇️Relatable

Pssh today was a day. 50% okay. 50% terrible.

Good? I watched all of Post Mortem. Loved it. Hot Daga is high art. I also started parting my hair in the middle and I think I pass more. Little scared that my friends will make fun of my but hopefully they'll shut up when I say it makes my dysphoria a little better.

Bad? Father pulled his bullshit. I'm 100% sure he's just using whatever excuse he can to yell at me. Guess taking the shit out on my sister wasn't enough and he had to go back to me. My mom wasn't here today, obviously. There's some other shit. Don't know if I'm gonna say it... whatever.

Today was rough. Gotta get my Christmas list together. I have a meeting with a teacher at 7:45 with my mom but :// I'm not gonna sleep. I've adjusted to running on 4-7 hours of sleep. My friend says I shouldn't be able to dream from getting as little as I do, but HAHA I do it anyway.

Idk if this is OCD, but I wouldn't be shocked since I've had other things that seem like obsessive compulsions. Not gonna get into them tho bc talking/thinking about them is usually what sets them off the most.

Anyway, I have to count everything in fours. EVERYTHING.

Example: If I'm walking I have to count my steps in sets of four. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. Right foot always goes first, and I can't step on cracks or lines.

I honestly didn't notice how much I did this until I was watching Hannibal and caught myself counting the gun shots in fours. It doesn't usually disrupt things but it is a bit annoying if I can't do something in fours. I also like the numbers 3, 7, and 9 but I can't do things with those numbers. I have to do it 4 times or a multiple of 4 times. The ideal number is 12, since that combines 4 and 3.

In my acting class, whenever we have to perform something I always get there as soon as I can so I can put myself as 4th on the list because there's another kid in my class who's also obsessed with the number 4, and who's back ups are 7 and 12 which are my back ups. So I have to beat them there.

Hell, even when I came out at school I waited to make sure I was the fourth student to go up to the podium because otherwise no one would accept me. Superstitious, I know, but at least I was safe.

If I don't count things in fours, usually nothing BAD will happen per say... It just bothers me not to. It's something I do without thinking about it and not being able to usually fucks me up.

Okay so I'm probably a maladaptive daydreamer (I say probably bc whenever I try to bring it up with my therapist she ignores it) so I made a tumblr blog about it so I can interact more with the community. The URL is blackd-out.tumblr.com if anyone wants to check it out (still haven't posted anything :P)

I know that tumblr is NOT the best place for mental health stuff but tbh? I checked out the community and it is not nearly as bad as some of the other communities I got trapped in on that hell site. At least this time I know to get out if I see too many red flags.

As a kid I used to have illusions when it's bedtime like something is crawling on the floor or voices it was horrible and scary even though I was awake and Im aware of that still see it/hear it and feel like closeing my eyes feeling hopless untill it goes away.
All that shit because of my issues with my parents.

I mentioned in an older post on here that I did something where I'm not allowed to see my younger cousin who I'm really close with and it kills me. I keep on having nightmares about how I'm able to see him, talk to him, and hug him but I either wake up or something happens to change that. This morning I had a dream where I could contact him and it was wonderful but I woke up and a few minutes later I got hit with the realization that it was only a dream and I felt absolutely HORRIBLE! I know the dreams sound nice but I consider them nightmares because they aren't real and just make me feel awful when I wake up. I mean it when I say that there's nothing I can do about being able to see him right now, no matter how terrible it makes me feel. But these nightmares make me feel worse and will even happen after I've had a day where I've been happy and didn't even think of him. It's driving me crazy but I can't do anything about them.

Another thing that I'm struggling with is that my cousin went to military school back in July but I just found out that he got kicked out of military school just 14 days before graduation so he couldn't get his diploma. I also just heard that he thinks that he might join the military when he turns eighteen, despite that he couldn't even make it in military school. I keep on worrying about him and I thought when he got into military school that he would turn a corner but that didn't work out and I can't even contact him to try and talk to him and be a mentor to him like I have before. I'm even more concerned about the idea of him actually joining the military when he turns eighteen and personally, I would rather die than for that to happen. He's not good with discipline, which was proven when he got kicked out of military school, and is really lazy. He's a good kid but he isn't living up to his potential and just keeps digging himself deeper. Besides, should he actually get into the military, I would consider that to be AWFUL. I don't wanna have to worry about him fighting in a war where he could be killed or seriously injured or getting PTSD. I'm being 100% serious when I say that I would actually go all Mulan on the situation by stealing his military clothes and identity, shave off my hair, and take his place in the army without him or anyone knowing just to keep him from joining.

It's really hard to deal with, especially when I can't do anything about it to help. All I can do is pray to God and hope that my cousin's future will turn out right. I don't want him to end up ruining his life or doing drugs like my dead brother did. I definitely don't want him in the military! It's really upsetting and I just wish there was something I could do but there isn't.

On one hand I'm proud of myself for deleting my pro ana blog. I haven't been on it in months but just the knowledge that it was out there was constantly weighing (pun not intended) on my mind so getting rid of it was relieving.

On the other hand, I did have to scroll through a fuck ton of posts and suddenly find myself missing pro ana culture. I'm telling myself it's for the best though. I needed to get out of there and find a better way to cope and that shit hole of a community only dragged me down.

Here's to 2019. I don't think shit can get worse, but knock on wood, right?

To be honest, Riku
I was a mess when 2018 started
true this forum helped me and in general your posts about mental health at your club.
For me nothing made me move forward better but my self,improving needs to start with your willing then things slowly gets better,do something,anything,don’t just sit and expect things to work out for you without planning,needs,you can do it,went through failure? so what? big shit...not the end..keep improving keep doing the things you love it dosnt matter how small your step is..just move forward.

I just became aware once again that I’ve started “isolating” AgAin. (And other not-so-good-for-mental-health behaviors) Well actually, my brother said some really shit when we were arguing and despite pissing me off, honestly opened my eyes to my down spiral toward another worse depressive phase. So Idk. I’m unsure if I can prevent it getting worse even though I’m conscious of this happening.
I barely got up this morning and probably got 2-3 hours of real sleep anyway.
I’m just.... tired and I want to go to sleep for a long long long time and not deal with the imbalance in my mind and mental state that cripples me constantly, I want to feel right. Everything always feels wr9ng and ranting isn’t doing any good I should probably stop an$ go back to my harmful behavior of constaly trying to help myself and pushing everyone away because I’m the only one who can understand what goes on inside this screwed up fucking mind so I’m the only one who has a chance of forcing myself to carry on. Oh being conscious of destruction ins SO fun. Yeah I know exactly what level comes next. Bye

Life has reached to a point where I just wanna abandon and restart again. Wish it was as easy as video games. Please. Just one chance. One restart. I wanna feel my childhood again. I miss everything.

I'm honestly about ready to just say "fuck this shit" and go insane. Like, I swear, I need to vent and it's long over due. But where do I start?

Oh, right: My job.

So, you all know (by now) that I work at Goodwill as a greeter/sorter. And for while, it was alright. It still is, but it's honestly starting to drive me insane. Before you ask, no, the costumers don't bother me. It's literally everyone else. IDK if I've stated this before, but I have a job coach. She's responsible for making sure I do my job correctly. And I get that. But OMG, guys, she has her moments where she gets on my fucking nerves. I understand that this is technically her job, but all she seems to care about is making sure I do whatever the fuck Goodwill says, no matter what. Even if I disagree with some of their shit, I'm still expected to just ignore my own views and conform to their shit. To some degree, I get why. I'm not stupid. But companies aren't always right, either. And, hell, even when I'm NOT at work, she still goes on and ON about societal/cultural norms/expectations and all that BS. She does this fucking shit almost everywhere we go.

Like, I remember when she suggested we go to an art gallery (because I do love art, a she knows this). And I was fine with this, I was excited to go. Oh, but then she had to suggest that I "dress appropriately", because there was a so-called dress-code. And I'm like, "WTF? Who the fuck dresses up just to look at pieces of art?" Granted, I didn't have to wear a suit (thank GOD), but still. And the worst part of it was... I was literally the only one "dressed up", while everyone else seemed to be wearing casual shit. There wasn't even a fucking dress-code, and she made me dress up, anyway. Fuck that shit.

And then back in October (I think), she asked me if I wanted to go to this meeting of some kind, about Bitcoin or whatever. She's into that kinda thing, which is fine. And I thought I'd enjoy that. But then she suggested I dress appropriately AGAIN (fuck that bitch), and I was the only one dressed up AGAIN. That wasn't even the worst part, the meeting we went to was at this bar. And I'm just sitting there like, "Who has a meeting at the loudest environment in the history of humanity?" And then she goes on to tell me about how most people my age go to bars. And apparently, she has yet to understand that: I'm not like most people my age. I HATE bars. They're too loud, too crowded and I hate beer. Gross.

Another thing I wanna mention (that honestly crossed the fucking line for me) was the fact that she also suggested that I get my hair cut. Like, bitch, WTF? I've never had any intention on cutting my hair, I planned on letting it grow out to just below my shoulders. Have it straightened, and then dye it purple. That was my fucking plan, that's what I wanted. But, no, she practically FORCED me to get it cut because "it was too long". Thankfully, it's growing back to where it was, and she better not suggest that shit again. I swear if she does, I'm gonna loose my shit.

But let's talk more about my job, tho, because there's a LOT. So, when it comes to my job, there's (usually) me and MAYBE 2 others that greet and sort. 3 people if we're really busy. Like Monday, for example. It was INSANLY busy that day, as well as the Friday and Saturday before it. I had to work Saturday, because ALL employs must work their asses off on the 1st Saturday of each fucking month. And that shit sux, and us being busy didn't help. Like, OMG, there was so much shit piled up everywhere at the donation site, that we literally had 0 room to put shit anywhere else. And my co-workers drove me fucking insane. Well, 2 of them did. Like, I fucking swear, there was so much shit, I didn't really know where to put anything. And whenever I started to put something where I thought it might go, I had one of my two-workers telling me otherwise. Like, literally every damn 5 seconds, all I heard was:

"That don't go there, it goes here."
"You need to work faster."
"Leave that alone, and go help him/her."

I know it was busy. We were all trying to make do with what we could. So was I, but it just got so overwhelming. And I swear I fucking cried more that day then I ever have in my life. I couldn't take the constant pressure. And I swear I was doing my best, but everything that day just got to me. Like, I would be trying to sort shit and then a car would pull up, with 2 or more cars behind them. And you wanna know the BEST part? Almost all the customer had big bags of shit (usually clothes), and we'd have virtually no box to put them in because the current boxes we did have were full AF. And you know what that means? We had to put on the ground somewhere, which made the donation area look like you were at the local dump. I'm not kidding, it was that awful.

OK, I get that this does happen, and it's not always preventable... but I'm just getting to a point where I don't think I can take it anymore. I just can't. I'm not even joking when I said I cried. I bet a cried like 5 times that day. Not that anyone really noticed, I was wearing sunglass. The big, bulky kind. Plus, I didn't want them to know, because I knew they wouldn't give a shit, anyway. How TF do people do this shit on a daily bases? More importantly, WHY? Why on Earth would anyone ever think that working for others was a good idea? It's not, it sux huge dick. I'm so fucking sick of Modern Society, and it's BS. I've never felt like I belong in it, anyway. Not once. Almost nothing about Society has ever made any sense to me, and I'm tired of acting like I enjoy living in it. Society doesn't care about me, or anyone else. We're all just it's slaves, forced to go through an endless cycle of torture. Until we die.

And if you want the honest truth, I wish I could live on a different planet, where things finally make sense to me. Where I don't have to explain myself and the way I am to others. I just want to live the best life I can, and that's really difficult when you're living within a world that treats you like a foreigner.

End of rant.

Dysthymic

3 weeks clean!
I’m proud of myself, it’s been tough, guys.

I feel protective of a close friend of mine, and being the person I am, I wish I could take away everything and fix each situation for her. There are levels I relate to with her and I know what a strong person she’s had to be but I still don’t want her to have to go through all the daily struggles of having mental health issues. And I KNOW that I can’t help that, and I know dependancy becomes an issue eventually, and I also know that because of my own situation (once again feeling like a fucking selfish, needy, worthless piece of shit, yay!) I should not let people 1) get attached to me 2) trust me 3) depend on me (oof too late) And...I know from experience that when it comes down to the times when you need someone there with you the most, there’s not going to be anyone, so you have to be the one to help yourself if you want to survive.

But it tore my world up yesterday when I found out she’d self-harmed.
An area for me that I’d probably become more destructive personally while trying to help someone else. Sure. Doesn’t seem like a huge deal at first. Well. That moment really showed me the negative impact I have on those around me. I really hope I never put the idea in her head. I really hope there will be something I can do or say to help. Things like that are always only the beginning, and Hopelessness in situations is a killer, trust me. There is not much worse than knowing nothing you can do can save someone.
When it comes to people I love, my mental health deserves shit. I’d give pain meds to my friend if they had a migraine even if I was bleeding to death. (But then again? Selfishness? What worth is my life to me?)
Anyway. My vivid brain gave me horrible imagines of her hurting herself all last night. It kills me to think that she’s going through that. I don’t know what to say. Seriously.
Doesn’t help that I fucked up the same day unbeknownst to me.
Doesn’t help at all knowing that I should have noticed things were worse for her than normal that day, but instead I was trying to keep my own head above the water. And I know it’s unrealistic and unreasonable to say I should have been there. I know it’s a deep pit of regret, difficult to get out of.
.
Just some jambled unfinished thoughts

I have so much more but I gotta go

I hate what my friend (let's call him Crowe) does to me.

He keeps pressuring me to buy all these games and shit. I told him about the fact that I waterlogged my 2DS, and he said 'Time for a Switch.'

Then he said 'No gaming.'

I'm trying to tell him nicely that I don't game like that. I have priorities, like trying to get a laptop, getting college classes together, transfer outta junior classes into higher education in 2 years, the like.

His lifestyle is working on his father's land (just to game after), and depending on SSI. I'm trying to tell him that's not what I wanna live the rest of my life.

OMG
I think my mental health got sick of me this month. You guys I haven't felt this great in years!! wow

I just want to share one of the mental health techniques that helped me in some difficult times. I choose days where I have free time and I start to cook some simple things which are really fun and stress relief also makes my mind clear so I can stop thinking about negtive things becuse sitting and doing nothing used to drive me crazy all I think about is that I want to sleep and never wake up.
Thankfully with my strong willing I started with small steps and it helped me alot.
I made this xD

I am going to hire myself to update this forum

I'm thinking about moving from St. Giles to another ICF (independent care facility) by Burke Centre, mainly for the extra freedom. Even tho I won't be using it in college much. I just don't have the heart to tell my caseworker about it.

I've been here for 2 years, and I haven't gotten anywhere in life yet. I can't even go to the corner store on my own! Still. What am i gonna do with said freedom anyway...?

Secondly, I got back to cleaning parks in Lufkin/Nacodoghes area. People over the parks keep nitpicking about veeeeeery small things 😒

Said job is thankless. I can't wait to get a better workplace.

Thirdly, I'm beginning to hate Social Security/SSI. The cunts paid me $1800, and asked me to pay them back, which is a mistake THEY never caught. Now it's gonna be extremely hard to buy the shit I need and want.

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After living with certain people in a fucking small apartment for fucking one month for business. I learned that there is nothing more important than isolation I think my mental health is shit right now but I will live no worries.

. Dont feel sad if you are alone it is more better than to live with shitty people.

In your worst moments

lonely nights

all by yourself

unwanted thoughts

overthinking

crying

every part of your body hurts

you want to just sleep and never wake up

everything/everyone you know, you feel like squishing them lightly in your palm until you find inner relief of what they done to fuck your life.

after waking up, get your shit together and stand tall you asshole, no one knows your true struggle but yourself.
get some ice cream and leave this shit behind.

NF’s recent album “The Search” has really resonated with my mental state lately. Actually the album describes a lot of things I haven’t had words to describe. The first t8me I listened t9 it, I’m not going to lie, I actually teared up. The lyrics are so real and raw and it cut through my hazy fog of mind like a knife and honestly it hurt a lot but it feels good to once again know that it isn’t just me. I was made aware of things I’d been ignoring and the cliff just before my feet.

My favorite has t9 be the song The Search. But the wh9le album blew my mind.

I finally did it and got surgery done to remove my wisdom tooth. Honestly guys life sure has more meaning when you are in your worst moments. You never think about it in positive way unless you are weak/vulnerable.
It's true that in your bad times you become more stronger person and learn more and more as you experience more shit so I am proud of myself and very happy to say that shit life equals more powerful me.
Peace my friends keep a smile on your face and tell life you stand tall and nothing beats you.

Finally sucked it up and went to the doctor today. And actually got good-ish news!!!
I’m going to be starting meds for anxiety/depression soon. (Yeah I know I’ve been avoiding meds but I figured it’s about time to give it a try) The doctor agreed fully and also recommended getting an accommodation plan for education. I think it’s called a 504 plan?
(Not too happy about that, but apparently I don’t have timed exams anymore so I’m in for that 😅)
The bullshit part is I have to go back to therapy. (Fuck that shit!!!) And it takes 28 days for the medication to build up in my system and start working.
I think the only big problem is that apparently.. the meds cause an increase in depression and suicidal Ideation fir about the first month. Essentially it gets worse before getting better.
I hope this can help a bit.

I’ll be taking Prozac sooooo if any of you guys know anything or have any advice/ experience, that would be great!

This is my first time taking any SSRI meds and so far it seems to me that any input I give isn’t heavily considered by anyone (not that I have extensive knowledge on it, just that I’d like to be a bit more involved in th3 choices, you know? As a minor, I have little say, and I’m not expected to know anything.. seriously, my doctors only explanation of how the medication worked was “it helps release serotonin to regulate chemicals in your brain.” That’s not what I’m asking! I was trying to understand and instead got various explanations of serotonin like “the happy chemicals that regulate mood”! It was low key funny but frustrating because I was struggling to get a higher level explanation of the drug. Then I was like: this is useless. I’m doing my own research later. And now I am BigBrain.
Prozac apparently can be used to treat some bpd symptoms, or so I read. But I definitely think there is better options.

Just a quick reminder from someone who barely can open his eyes.

Remember never to get fooled by your emotions/thoughts when you are :

. Sick
. Stressed
. Lack of sleep
. Upset
. Have mood swings
. Sad

I have more shit to list but I gtg sleep XD

link

Just putting this here again.

Shout out to those of you dealing with mental illness.
I know a simple, positive message is rarely enough, but it’s a good reminder even so.
Please take care of yourselves! Breathe. Remember that every little step is a step away from the past. I’m not going to say it will get better because honestly, sometimes some things will always be there. But that doesn’t mean it won’t get easier to deal with as you learn how to live with things. With each step you can prove that despite circumstances, you will not be defined by what tries to hold you down.
Screw8ng the fuck up is ok. It’s going to happen and when it does things will seem to collapse around you. And I know this sounds cliqué, but you can always rebuild on the foundations. Noth8ng can be destroyed completely.
The hardest battles are often invisible- it goes unrecognized that some people fight every day to keep their life. I know it’s a struggle. For these guys: You deal with so much shit and though it’s not much, I’m so fucking proud of you for being here. I see you. You are brave. Thanks for that. Good job.

Well. That’s all I have for now! Rest up, eat and drink, don’t forget your meds and know when it’s time to reach out even if it’s against your internal will. Keep motherfucking kicking guys.

Love Jay Xx

MENTAL HEALTH CHECK!

How is everyone bearing up? Doing alright?
Let me know if I can help in any way.

Man, I know I’ve not said anything about trans-related stuff except for my coming out post, so this might seem a little out of the blue. But seriously,

Dysphoria has REALLY been kicking my ass lately.
I am so uncomfortable and I’ve got this weird violent anxious feeling towards myself. Like I want to tear my skin off and just be done with this cage of a body. I have pretty much only two pairs of clothing that I’m feeling ok wearing. That kind of sounds strange, but at the moment, everything seems super wrong and I just have to put something on that covers me and helps the dysphoria calm down. My envy of cis men is extreme XD
I’m basically living in my typical depression crash stage, I literally can’t shower or change my clothes atm because everything hurts so much. Ugggh i really just wish I could have been AMAB.
I am just so so angry about the way th8ngs are. I really just wish I could make my body feel like home.
If it was as simple as “just accept yourself” things would be easy

I've been doing a bit better, since I switched jobs.

Now I have college, and that's doing pretty well.

Just had a meeting with my best friend (a guy) and his girlfriend.

Context: It's uni holidays so me and my best friend have been talking on fb about once every two days-ish. Though we go through phases (when I was overseas it was only once a week or less), he's the person I've messaged most frequently and consistently for the past nine years of my life.

His girlfriend is uncomfortable with that and has been for ages, and tbf me and the dude did have feelings for each other in high school (long gone) so she reasons they could come back (I assured her they most definitely will not lol). We agreed that me and best friend won't talk to each other for a month in order to break the habit.

I see where she's coming from and she did it very kindly. But I'm still devastated. Talking to him has been one of the only constants in my life for almost a decade, and he's truly the person I have most in common with out of anyone. I love him platonically more than any other person. And it feels so natural and comforting to pick up the phone and chat. It's going to be so, so hard.

You wanna know what I find funny? Biological family members coming out the woodwork to welcome me to their circle, yet they haven't offered me a place to stay during my younger years.

I just don't have the heart to tell them.