トワイライト・シリーズ Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

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posted by shieldmaiden

The 狼, オオカミ clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy アニメーション and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. あなた can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, あなた know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and あなた hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what ヴァンパイア do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole スマック down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all あなた Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless ヴァンパイア on Buffy.

The 狼, オオカミ Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer アニメーション of the オオカミ (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the 狼, オオカミ clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So あなた can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. あなた Team Jacob fans, I now consider あなた semi-sane because あなた recognized a HEALTHY relationship. リスペクト to あなた guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely によって her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her フレンズ at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even もっと見る with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole 年 older than your 107 年 old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to 愛あなた anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those ファン out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected によって any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in 愛 with あなた throws あなた into a glass 表, テーブル for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons あなた in the forest. A car ride ホーム would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass 表, テーブル for her protection? That was totally safe. あなた know, because she was bleeding even もっと見る profusely after the 表, テーブル than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started 表示中 up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to あなた like that あなた can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I 愛 you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, または whenever anyone 発言しました Bella was 芝居 crazy. If anyone spoke reason または a plot point appeared, it did not 表示する again.

Lupin's 狼, オオカミ Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer アニメーション department because those オオカミ were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad アニメーション coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even もっと見る laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want あなた to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If あなた don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face パンチ high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. あなた Team Jacobers, あなた got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless あなた want a really good laugh then によって all means do. Oh and one もっと見る thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this キッス is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

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Kayla, Chapter 20

posted by twilight-7

I didn't make あなた guys wait too long, did I? If I did I am truly sorry. Here we go then, Chapter 20. Will this series ever end?

The first chance I got I visited Charlie. I got a shock when I visited Charlie. Jacob and Billy were there, Jacob sitting on the hospital chair and Billy in his wheelchair. The biggest shock was that Charlie was sitting up, laughing and joking. This man had just had a fit yesterday and here he was telling dirty jokes to his best friend and his son. Jacob was the first to see me standing in the doorway and watching them with wide eyes.
“Hey Kayla,” he greeted me with...

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My Dark Days Chapter 3 : Can My Pathetic Excuse For A Life Go On?

posted by bitten_byedward

Ch 3

All I remember was that I couldn't breathe and I blacked out.

Then, I had a nightmare. I was in the meadow. Edward and I. We were intwined. He was キス my neck and I was panting. Then, he just disappeared. He was just gone. Nowhere to be found. I was crying. I couldn't breathe, again. I didn't know what was happening. I couldn't see. Everything was a blur. Then, Victoria appeared. She was running at me. Then, I screamed.

I had woken up to find Charlie sitting 次 to me, shaking me furiously, trying to wake me up.

"Are あなた okay? What's the mateur? Where is he? あなた tell me where he...

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Unchained Melody: Chapter Two

posted by SaraE

"Sometimes 愛 isn't enough"

Those were the last words I ever heard Jacob Black say. At first, I didn’t care. For three years I didn’t care. I was too dark and thirsty to care about any of my past. I almost forgot some of it. I almost forgot him.

It’s been ten years and those fears of mine came true. The Volturi wanted me to 登録する them and I refused. But they didn’t play nice. No, they didn’t, not at all. Instead of letting me walk away, sorry that I had refused their offer, they gave me an ultimatum. Either I joined them または the Cullen’s died. This time, they didn’t find a way out....

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Twilight Becoming too Much?

posted by SaveMe620

Fanmade Poster made by me

Hasn't anyone else really noticed that Twilight may be going a little overboard? It just seems that with all the attention and merchandise and whatnot, it's becoming もっと見る like another High School Musical movie.
Not Good.
Now that New Moon is coming, all these actors and musicians want to part of all the hype.
I just wish that Twilight stayed it's small Indie film. That's what I loved most about it was that they got a lot of actors that hardly anyone knew.
I knew who Cam, Edi, Rob, Kristen, Taylor, Billy Burk, Kellen, Nikki were before Twilight.
But what about あなた guys?
There's a ton of people...

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Visions Chp. 6

posted by 2bearz

Sorry guys, school, and a bunch of othr pitiful excuses u dont wanna hear so here is the story!

I was sitting around with the Carlisle, Alice, Esme, Peter and シャルロット, シャーロット in the living room. They had all told me of the Volturi and what they do, and I told them all about me and my special abilities. Oh yea, Edward had rushed Bella back to her house the 分 he heard Peter and Charlotte's thoughts, knowing that they weren't like him and his family. Apparently he had taken her back to her house to her father, where no doubt Charlie had gone berserk.

" Carlisle? If あなた don't mind I think I should...

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Kayla, Chapter 16

posted by twilight-7

Enjoy!!

I ran home. I didn’t want to delay this anymore. I was already thinking of turning back and running into Edward’s waiting arms but I knew I had to do this. I had to 表示する Charlie that I wasn’t taking any of his crap. If I had to leave then I would. I got a shock when I saw his クルーザー parked at the house. I was hoping I could pack my case and write a note saying I was leaving. I didn’t really want to do it when he was there. I opened the door as quietly as I could and sneaked inside. I shut the door slowly and carefully so it didn’t creak and tip-toed across to the stairs. I...

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Kayla, Chapter 15

posted by twilight-7

This is short but I just wanted to get through it quickly. I didn't want to write it but it had to happen.

My brilliant plan that sounded absolutely brilliant wasn’t so amazing when I sat and thought about it. It seemed quite simple when I first thought of it. What was the only way Charlie would have no control over me? The answer was my mother. My plan was to go back to England, where my mother was, and Charlie could no longer have a say in what I did. Edward would follow me and he could bring his whole family to ロンドン if he wanted to. But the もっと見る I thought about it, the もっと見る I knew it...

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My Valentine - Chapter 3

posted by dinosteph

End of Chapter 2

“Bella.” Edward said, nudging me.

“Wha?!” I jumped, immediately closing my eyes again. “What time is it?” I asked, referring to the bright sun that managed to find its way through the tinted windows.

“Around 10:30” He said, as he turned off the highway, down a bumpy dirt road, causing me to jump in my seat.

“This...looks...romantic..” I laughed to myself, looking out the window at the thousands of trees surrounding us.

“Well we're not there yet” He laughed to himself, taking my hand in his. “It's sorta...out of the way. I figured privacy would be important,...

3

Midnight sun Chapter 2 Suprise

posted by H20girlH20

i woke up like at 8:09 i was walking to the kitchen. i saw Esme and Carlise. also Rosalie and Emmett. "good moring" "hi Karina how was you're sleep?" 発言しました Emmett. "fine thanks for telling me" i 発言しました "were bella and Edward also Renesemmen?" i 発言しました "well Renesemmen is in her room, and Edward and Bella are outside hunting." 発言しました Esme. i heard footsteps it was renesemmen "hi aunt Karina.!!" 発言しました renesemmen. i smiled. Esme pulled out パン "here あなた go." she 発言しました "thanks" i cried. i saw the door open it was Bella and Edward. "Bella!!!! Edward" i yelled i ran up and gave them a hug. "hi Karina."...

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Kayla, Other Versions of Chapter 10

posted by twilight-7

As あなた know I 発言しました I did two other versions of Chapter 10. Foreveryours asked if I could post them on and I thought 'Why not?' so here it is. あなた will see some similaraties between them and Chapter 10 but あなた know I kinda merged them together to make Chapter 10. These versions will not be accounted for in the continuation of the Kayla series. They are 投稿されました on here entirely for your interest as to how things could have turned out. They both start out the same way as Chapter 10. So here it goes!

[Note: I didn't call Edward 'The Lion' until the final Chapter 10. In the vampire version he is...

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Kayla, chapter 8

posted by twilight-7

Edward's thoughts - bold
Kayla's thoughts - italics

I had managed to make it through a whole 月 of school without anything unusual happening. The murders had seemed to stop. No one in または around Forks had been killed so maybe the newborn had learned not to kill so often または someone had dealt with it. I felt kind of disappointed that I hadn’t been able to go after it and teach it a thing または two. I think it would be quite fun battling a newborn but since it decided to stop I guess I’ll just have to wait. Edward and I continued to have our silent conversations. It was weird, him being inside...

4

The Twilight Director's Guide?

posted by bellafan6246

News have spread and the Twilight's director, is releasing a book called the "Director's Notebook" which includes the "How we made Twilight" of wardrobe, cast, behind-the-scenes-photos and more. The novel is expected to be on the shelves with the Twilight movie on March 17, 2009.

Something fun to do?

Check out the フォーラム for the Bella Bash info contest!

Info from:
link

Cover Picture (bigger here): link

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Moonlight - Chapter Eleven

posted by Twilight_F

Here is chapter 11.. Sorry teh others have been short!!!! Hope あなた like it. Please read, rate, コメント and Enjoy!!!!

CHAPTER 11

Edward’s POV

I don’t know why I ran, but I did. And now that I think about it, it was one of the stupidest things I did.
I was nearly half way ホーム when I heard someone following me, so I went even faster.
“Edward, I 愛 you” She screamed. I stopped abruptly. Then I thought about it.
“Bella?” I 発言しました in my head, confused.
“I 愛 you” I felt the force that she put into it. She was struggling もっと見る than me.
I ran back and stopped about a hundred ft away from...

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Kayla, Chapter 6

posted by twilight-7

here it is!

Edward's thoughts are in bold and Kayla's in italics.

I looked at Dr Cullen, worried I had put him a difficult situation. I wanted to explain to him that he didn’t need to leave, that I wasn’t going to blab to the whole town about what he and his family were. But how could I tell him?
I looked down at the dead man on the floor. I knew that this wasn’t an animal attack. The Azdi part of me was telling me this, 表示中 me the difference between an animal attack and a vampire attack. I also knew that this was no ordinary vampire attack. It was too messy.
“Dad, I’m going outside.”...

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Kayla, Chapter 4

posted by twilight-7

So here it is, Chapter 4.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was that the pain in my head had gone. I sighed with relief and the 秒 thing I noticed was that I could count all the cracks on the ceiling. I smiled. I sat up and realised that I was on my bed. I looked at the clock and saw it was eight in the morning. I groaned and jumped out of bed. I landed lightly on my feet. I quickly threw on a clean pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I brushed my hair as fast as I could and shoved on the first pair of socks I could find. I ran downstairs and into the キッチン and found Charlie eating...

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Kayla, Exlanation for the Confused

posted by twilight-7

READ BEFORE GOING ON TO CHAPTER 4!!

Ok so some of あなた were confused によって Kayla’s purpose. Do not fret. An explanation of what her purpose, why she has to protect people, and basically everything Charlie 発言しました to her is coming up now.

Kayla is an Azdi. These are a race of people that protect humans. That is there sole purpose. They protect humans from any attack によって a スーパーナチュラル being. For example, if a Nahadriah was on the loose running around like a mad man killing innocent humans, the nearest Azdi to the place where the killings were taking place would deal with the creature によって either destroying...

15

Kayla, Chapter 2

posted by twilight-7

i know that it sounds like twilight a bit but i didn't know how else to get her through the day. chapter 3 coming up!!

His eyes searched mine, almost as if he was trying to read me. His eyebrows creased together and his gaze became もっと見る intense. The small dark haired girl turned around, wanting to know why her partner had let the shuttlecock fall. She followed his gaze to me and gave me a smile, 表示中 bright white teeth. He gave me one last gaze and returned to his game. I looked away from him and back to Mike who had been watching me watching the boy.
“Who’s that?” I asked, nodding at...

13

Translated Spanish Interview with Kristen

posted by mandapanda

What was the casting process like?

I was on another world filming Advetureland in Pittsburgh. It’s funny how I didn’t know anything about the book before being offered the role. To me, Twilight was just another script that came to my hands. I auditioned without knowing it was a highly coveted role.

What made あなた say “I have to play this part” after あなた read the book?

I have two お気に入り scenes, but the one that really stands out for me is when Edward reveals himself to Bella in the meadow under the sunlight. It’s when Bella takes control of everything.

How do あなた see the character of...

21

Twilight vs Harry Potter- give it up

posted by vampiress015

As あなた can tell によって the タイトル I don't care who people prefer, to me they are completly different 本 in completly different genres- I mean would あなた ever see Ron fighting a grizzly bear. Okay so it is possible, but he isn't going to get golden eyes when he drinks it's blood, seriously?

So I decided to end this fight once and for all- although I didn't intentially come across this, I just found it on: link ,so that shows how bored あなた get to go to this extent when there's hardly any new Twilight news-right? It's a slow 日 today.

Okay so I clicked on a thing called Google Fight, and it asked...

31

New Story - Chapter 4

posted by dinosteph

For those of あなた who are new, Here is chapter 1, 2 and 3.

Chapter 1 - link

Chapter 2 - link

Chapter 3 - link

Ending of Chapter 3

It wasn't raining as much in the woods, the trees protected me from the rain. I didn't realize how cold it had gotten until I noticed the ガチョウ bumps tickle on my arms. I wrapped my arms around myself, still crying and kept walking until my legs and feet grew tired. I spotted a rock and wiped it off before I sat down. I hugged my knees close to my body.

“I can't say here. Where can I go? Renee is traveling with Phil. Would Charlie even let me leave? He wouldn't understand....