Lucifer premiere react: 'They're Back, Aren't They?’ 

Did you hear that bell ringing, Luci-fans? Why, I do believe that’s the sound of a fallen angel getting his wings — and hating every second of it.

When we left him last season, a confused Lucifer Morningstar woke up in the desert with no shirt, a heck of a sunburn, and, oh yeah, an extravagant set of feathery white wings. So what’s a dehydrated devil to do? Stand in the middle of the road to flag down an armored car, that’s what. Lucifer tries to climb aboard but can’t fit through the door thanks to his wings, which he retracts with an irritated huff. If Lucifer struggling with the logistics of his new wings is a running gag all season long, I am

This particular vehicle happens to be under the control of the jewel thief that Lucifer apprehended (and left in his skivvies) in the season 2 premiere. As before, what the jewel thief most desires is freedom, which Lucifer gives him by taking his employee jumpsuit and turning him loose to run through the desert — again, clad only his manties.

The squadron of police in pursuit of the armored car verify Lucifer’s connection to Chloe Decker and return him to civilization, where he welcomes Dr. Linda into his home for her recuperation (complete with attractive male caretaker, because Lucifer is thoughtful).

But Dr. Linda knows the score and asks what Lucifer wants in return, so he unfurls his wings, knocking over some fancy liquor bottles in the process. Ha! Linda’s gobsmacked. “I didn’t know that they could grow back. Are wings like body hair?” Double ha!

Lucifer says this is God’s celestial spanking for giving his mother her own universe and asks Linda to cut the wings off, growling “I am

his Mr. Potato Head.” Dr. Linda points out that they don’t exactly teach wing-ectomies in medical school and declines, as his therapist, his friend,

the person who got caught in the crossfire of his last family feud.

Lucifer strolls into the LAPD, disappointed that nobody noticed his two-day absence. Chloe is skeptical about his kidnapping story, assuming he created it as a distraction from the message he left her promising to tell her the truth about him. So he drags her to the spot in the desert where he woke up. She remains unconvinced until she discovers the human hand poking out of the sand.

The unfortunate dehydration victim is Miami hotel owner Steve Banales, and thanks to the cross-jurisdictional placement of his body in the desert, the LAPD officers are forced to share their investigation with the Lancaster Police Department. In fact, one of the Lancaster guys discovers a set of keys in the sand, which Dan swoops in and bags for the LAPD.

As she’s collecting evidence, Ella bubbles over with excitement about their new boss, Lt. Marcus Pierce. She once heard him give a lecture on police procedures, which apparently led to a slight case of hero worship. But when the time comes for his big introduction to his new department, Marcus (Tom Welling) proves himself to be…terse: “I’m Lt. Marcus Pierce. Okay, back to it.”

Marcus carries a motorcycle helmet, pegs Dan as a corrupt cop who got off easy, and declines to shake Lucifer’s hand on account of his 92 sexual partners who were interviewed last year. Rather than educating him about all the STIs you

catch from a handshake, Lucifer beams when Marcus pegs him as a narcissistic hedonist. Then they immediately start passive-aggressively comparing the sizes of their johnsons, which is Marcus’ charmingly old-fashioned euphemism of choice.

Then Chloe gets flustered when Marcus asks if she’s Lucifer’s partner. It’s the other way around, she tries to tell him, but for some reason, the unflappable, all-business Chloe can’t seem to get a sentence out. Let’s assume she’s hypnotized by the onetime Clark Kent’s motorcycle helmet.

fans: How long did it take for you to flip the switch from Tom Welling as overwrought teenage naïf Clark to clipped-speech, competent adult Marcus? Because I watched this episode twice, and I’m still not sure I’m there.

Now we catch up with Amenadiel, who tracks down Lucifer at the LAPD. Lucifer thinks it’s about his own well-being, but actually Amenadiel’s concerned about what happened to their mom. (Apparently, Lucifer texted his brother a string of emojis explaining the events of the finale that made perfect sense to Lucifer and only Lucifer.) Amenadiel takes the news about their mother 

Lucifer returns Amenadiel’s necklace, and we learn that Amenadiel got neither his powers nor his wings back. Lucifer comes close to admitting to his own feathery misfortune, but he holds it back. Then Ella shows up to introduce herself to Amenadiel, grope his biceps, and announce that she found fingerprints on the car keys belonging to Steve’s business partner, Josh. But when Chloe and Lucifer show up to bring him in, Josh clearly thinks it’s a prank, ogling Chloe and playfully running away. The chase ends with Lucifer tossing him over a balcony and into a pool, which could’ve ended really badly, as it didn’t seem like Lucifer actually knew the pool was there. At the precinct, Josh explains that he and Steve were in a prank war, and he’d hired an outfit called Snatched to do a fake kidnapping.

Meanwhile, Ella’s hit a dead end in trying to track the tire print of the vehicle that flattened a squirrel in the dessert (she named it Leo), so Chloe turns to the Lucifer connection, wondering if she might find a clue there. He says it’s his father punishing him for exercising free will, and he’s so worked up that he almost mentions his wings again. Then he sits Chloe down to come clean about his real identity.

Sensing how upset he is, Chloe takes his hands and assures him that whatever it is he has to show her, she’s there for him. But no matter how hard he tries, or how gassy he looks, his face stays human. Don’t get me wrong, he’s divinely beautiful, but his face stays his face. Chloe leaves in near tears at his game-playing, leaving Lucifer to murmur, “I really am the devil.” (

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