Pilot

Rachel: "Look guys, these steps are not hard! I’ve been doing them since preschool!"
Kurt: "I’m sorry, did I miss the election for queen. Cause I didn’t vote for you."

Finn: "Look, I owe あなた guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!"
Rachel: "That was you?"
Kurt: "You and your フレンズ threw pee balloons at me."
Finn: "I know."
Kurt: "You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof."

Showmance

(To bullies) "One 日 あなた will all work for me."

(To Mercedes) "You look like a technicolor zebra."

Mercedes: "This song is terrible."
Will: "Okay, no, no. It's not the song, あなた guys just need to get into it."
Kurt: "No, it's the song. It's really gay."

Rachel: We're going to give them what they want!
Kurt: *Skeptically* "Blood?"

(About the assembly) "They're gonna throw フルーツ at us. And I just had a facial."

Acafellas

Mercedes: "Damn Kurt! This car is fly!"
Kurt: "My dad got it for my sweet sixteen after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee." *pause* "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

(About Mercedes smashing his window) "It's ok. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest."

Mercedes: Have あなた ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If によって somebody あなた mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Preggers

(Kurt about to make the kick to win the football game) Ken: "You make this, and あなた die a legend."
Kurt: "Can I pee first?"

(To Ken) "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker."

"My body is like a ラム, ラム酒 チョコレート souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise."

The Rhodes Not Taken

(To Emma) "Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy..."

Vitamin D

"Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with あなた ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers."

Throwdown

"She (Sue) told me that if I even talked to one of Mr. Schue's kids that she'd shave my head, and I just can't rock that look! I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back."

Mash-Up

Mercedes: "You are not gonna slushie on my man Kurt."
Rachel: "Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore."
Finn: "No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!"
Kurt: "Well we can't have that, can we?"
*grabs the slushie from Finn*
Finn: "What are あなた doing?"
Kurt: "It's called taking one for the team." *Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses* "Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether または not any of your フレンズ on the football team would have done that for you." *Finn frantically runs away* Someone get me to a 日 spa! Stat!

Wheels

"I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing."

Burt: "What's wrong?"
Kurt: "Sorry, it's a glee/グリー club thing..."
Burt: "It's not about a guy is it, cause I'm not ready to have that conversation."
Kurt: "At least あなた don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant." *cute laugh*

(To New Directions) "We all know I'm もっと見る 人気 than Rachel, and I dress better than her."

(To his dad) "I 愛 あなた もっと見る than I 愛 being a star."

Ballad

(About the song "Endless Love") "I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me."

(To Finn) "How do あなた explain her constant irritation with you? It's because SHE'S A GIRL."

(About Finn) "I don't know why I find his stupidity charming, I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks she square root of four is rainbows."

Finn: "I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not."
Kurt: "You're lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate."

Hairography

Rachel: "I thought we were friends."
Kurt: "What made あなた think that?"

"Makeovers are like crack to me."

(To Rachel about her room) "You need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I can't stand to be in the same room as you. Especially this one, it looks like where イチゴ ショートケーキ, ショート ケーキ and ヒイラギ, ホリー Hobby come to hook up."

"Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time."

(To Rachel) "Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer あなた are because all I think about is shoving a 靴下 in your mouth."

Sectionals

"I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement."

Hell-o

Will: "What do あなた guys say when あなた answer the phone?"
Mercedes: "What up?"
Artie: "Who 'dis be?"
Kurt: "No, she's dead. This is her son."

Power of マドンナ

"Mercedes is black, I'm gay. We make a culture."

ホーム

Finn: "I miss getting hit."
Kurt: "Pure boyish insanity."

(To Mercedes) "You have a week to lose 10 pounds. It's like trying to lose one of my butt cheeks."

"Can あなた go now? I'm a half 時 behind on my moisturizer routine, and I need to wake up early."

Laryngitis

"I'm not a box. There are もっと見る than four sides to me."

"Dad, I need あなた to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just having sexual relations."

Theatricality

"I swear to あなた I will never change. I'm proud to be different, it's the best thing about me."

Tina: (Referring to her dress) "My balls keep falling off."
Kurt: "I've been there,"

(To bullies) "Yeah, あなた don't want to be late for your appointment at SUPERCUTS!"

"They're (Vocal Adrenaline) are going for full out theatricality, they know it's the easiest way to beat us! Damn them!"

Funk

"I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week."

"Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones that get to humiliate her."

Audition

Mercedes: So is that a men sweater?
Kurt: "Fashion has no gender."

Grilled Cheesus

"Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide."

Burt: And last week あなた had to camp out early so あなた could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt: "Season six, dad."

Mercedes: "How do あなた know for sure? あなた can't prove that there is no God."
Kurt: "You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely doesn't it?"

"God makes me gay and then makes His followers go around saying it's a choice, as if I'd choose to be mocked every 日 of my life."

(Talking about church) Mercedes: "You get to wear a fabulous hat."
Kurt: "You had me at fabulous hat."

(Talking to his hospitalized father) "I don't believe in God dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us."

Duets

Rachel: "Kurt, I need to talk to あなた about something."
Kurt: "Oh, please not another pregnancy."
Rachel: "Kurt, we have a lot もっと見る in common than あなた think."
Kurt: "That's a terrible thing to say."

(About Sam) "He's on team gay. No straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1983."

Kurt: "'Make 'Em Laugh'? 'Singin' In the Rain'?"
Sam: "Sorry".
Kurt: "1952? Nothing. Okay, maybe あなた are straight".

"When you're different ... when you're special ... sometimes あなた have to get used to being alone."

(To Sam about his hair) "I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle."

Never Been Kissed

(To Karofsky) "You can't パンチ the gay out of me any もっと見る than I can パンチ the ignoramus out of you."

(To Will) "You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring."

The Substitute

"You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless."

Furt

"My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac."

Finn: "Are あなた sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?"
Kurt: "That's why we feed them glitter."

Special Education

(To Rachel) "You are as brilliant and talented as あなた are irritating."

Kurt: "How come あなた were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?"
Rachel: "Cause あなた were my only real competition."
Kurt: *laughs* "True,"

A Very glee/グリー クリスマス

Will: (Referring to Blaine) "Someone special?"
Kurt: "No, just a friend... but on the upside I'm in 愛 with him and he's actually gay. I call that progress."

(Talking to Mr.Schue) "So what brings あなた here (to Dalton)? Looking for a place to teach where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?"

The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

(To Mercedes) "Blaine and I 愛 football. Well, Blaine loves football. I 愛 scarves."

Kurt: "I bring Finn a glass of warm ミルク every night, just in the hopes we may have a little lady chat."
Blaine: "Warm milk? Really?"
Kurt: It's delicious."

Silly 愛 Songs

(To Warblers) "I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing ホーム once."

Jeremiah: "No one here knows I'm gay."
Kurt: "Can I be honest?... Just with the hair, I think they do..."

Kurt: "So, it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'. But I get to play Meg Ryan."
Blaine: "Deal." *pauses* "Don't they get together in the end?"
Kurt: *smiles and ignores the question*

Blame It On The Alcohol

Blaine: "I didn't drink that much."
Kurt: "Are あなた kidding? あなた spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom."

(To Rachel) "Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that あなた will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals."

Rachel: "Blaine and I have a lot in common."
Kurt: "A sentiment expressed によって many a hag によって many dating a gay."

Sexy

"I have about as much sexual appeal and education as a baby penguin!"

Original Song

(After The Klaine kiss) Blaine: We should practice. *referring to practicing their duet*
Kurt: I thought we were. *resumes キス Blaine*

Born This Way

(To Karofsky) "A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if あなた are going to be gay あなた simply must know who that is."

(To Blaine after he and the Warblers sing "Somewhere Only we Know.") "I'm never saying goodbye to you..."

Rumours

(To Rachel) "Oh how I've missed your insanity."

Prom クイーン

(About Santana's red prom dress) "Go with God, Satan... Santana."

(To Blaine) "Doesn't matter if they are yelling at me または whispering behind my back: they can’t touch me. They can't touch us または what we have."

"Eat your ハート, 心 out Kate Middleton."

Funeral

"Jesse St. James totally Jesse St. Sucks."

"I make my living 歌う girl songs!"

New York

(To Rachel about the Broadway stage of Wicked) "We have to go in. Strike that we have to break in."

Blaine: "I 愛 you."
Kurt: "I 愛 あなた too. あなた know when あなた stop to think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year."

The Purple ピアノ Project

(Referring to Finn/Rachel's キッス in New York) "Finn and Rachel's 'The Kissed That Missed' has 20,000 閲覧数 on YouTube. And the comic section is just full of blander, like 'Why is the T-Rex eating the Jew'?"

(To Blaine) "I want my senior 年 to be magic. And the only way that can happen is if I can spend every moment of my life with you."

(About Harmony's performance) Rachel: "I've never been so humiliated in my life."
Kurt: "Me neither. And that's a very high bar."

I Am Unicorn

(About his audition for West Side Story) Coach Beiste: "Isn't that a Streisand song?"
Kurt: "Don't worry. I got written permission from the woman herself: Rachel Berry."

(About his presidential campaign posters) "I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says 'gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay'."

The First Time

(To Blaine) Kurt: "Do あなた ever think we're playing it too 安全, 安全です によって not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?"
Blaine: "I thought that's what we wanted..."
Kurt: "It is! But I'm just wondering... have あなた ever felt the urge to rip off each others clothes and get dirty?"

Karofsky: "I'm what they call a くま, クマ Cub."
Kurt: "Because あなた look like Yogi?"

Blaine: "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. Our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk, and... I'm sorry."
Kurt: "Sure beats the last time あなた were drunk and madeout with Rachel,"

(After Blaine kisses him) "You take my breath away. Not just now, but tonight on that stage. I was so proud to be with you."

Hold on to Sixteen

Kurt: "I don't like you."
Sebastian: "Fun... I don't like あなた either."
Kurt: "I don't like the way あなた talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you."
Sebastian: "Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are によって the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have カーキ色の軍服, カキス and a Lima 豆 エプロン and that gay face."
Kurt: "You smell like Craigslist."

Michael
    
"I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk."

(About Sebastian and The Lima Bean) "Does he live here または something? Seriously, あなた are always here!"

The Spanish Teacher

(To Rachel and Mercedes) "Why are あなた being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month."

On My Way

(To Sebastian) "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was distracted によって your giant horse teeth."

Goodbye

"In this room, it doesn't matter if you're gay または straight. What matters is that we're friends."

The New Rachel

(To Rachel about Brody) "So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his twinkle tube? And he’s straight? Hot."

Burt: "The only difference between this place and New York?"
Kurt: "Decent bagels?"

The Break-Up

(About his breakfast) "I’m gonna take this down to the park and watch drug deals go down."

Thanksgiving

(To Blaine about his cheating) "You've 発言しました you're sorry a million times, and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet. But it's Thanksgiving and it's sectionals, and I miss あなた like crazy, and I can't stand not talking to あなた even though I'm mad at you, because you're still my best friend."