ランダム Article: Duji's Story

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posted by ShadowFan100

This is my follow-up 記事 to my last one "What's the point?"

Let me start によって saying that I have thought long and hard about what あなた all had to say regarding my article. And I think it's time I reveal もっと見る of whats going on.

For what seems like forever (actually about 2 years または so) I have been battling depression. And when I am dealing with my depression, it's not always easy to see the good in this world. I've also thought that maybe some of my depression was brought on によって my own self, but other times it may be an actual severe case of it. Because when あなた have depression, あなた tend to view the world darkly. But anyway...

I don't know if あなた are aware of this または not, but on some of the 質問 on the ランダム club, I tend to mention a dog on a few of them. The dog that I mentioned is named Duji (Dew-jee) who is my dog. On 1/13/2013, I ロスト him to the outside world. When I think back to that 日 (and I do it a lot) I can still remember exactly what was going on the 日 before it. I remember what I was doing, what I was thinking and how I felt. The 日 before, my mother and I were in town, while my aunt stayed with her grand kids (who were at our house at the time. When we arrived home, we instantly discovered that Duji had been let outside (he was a small, cute lil long-haired chihuahua, so he was an inside dog) and he had ran off--as he always had a habit of doing--and as usual, I panicked. This sorta thing with Duji always happened, so I were kinda "use to it" in a way, but it still worried me. Some guy 発言しました he found Duji in a puddle, not moving much. He 発言しました had taken him to the vet, but none of us believed it. He was alive, but in bad shape. Had been attacked によって bigger dogs, and we assume he either died of internal injuries またはハート, 心 attack--possibly both, due to him being old. He was 13 (Over 70 dog years), so he lived a long life.

What's worse is that even before we knew of his injuries, I KNEW what was happening. My world as I had known it was coming to an end, and I couldn't stop it. Hell, later that same night, there I was sitting 次 to Duji while he laid underneath to 表, テーブル where our big screen TV sat, and I swear I felt it. I knew Duji was dying. I wanted so bad to hug Duji just one last time--just once. But at that time, I knew Duji had those injuries, so I decided not to touch him, out of fear of hurting him. And it's just.... the way Duji looked at me, it was as if he knew what was doing on. I think Duji knew he was dying as well. And so, Duji and I took one last look at each other, with me knowing I'd never see him again. And that was it. That one single moment was the last I'd ever get with him. And the VERY 次 morning--not even 5 min after waking up--reality had smacked me hard in the face. Duji was where I last saw him, laying there underneath the table, eyes wide open, meaning he passed while awake.

The 次 few weeks afterwards was hell. I admit I had some minor depressive moments in my life, but Duji's death is what broken the last straw. I'll tell あなた straight up that all I did after his death was stay in my room, laying the bed, with the blinds closed. It got so bad I couldn't stand to look look outside. Outside was bright and beautiful (during the 日 of course) but inside--inside me--all I felt was darkness. Darkness was all I saw anymore. And for a long period of time, darkness was all I wanted. In a morbid sense, darkness "comforted" me. Going out into "the light" (outside) just hurt too much. Fast フォワード, 前進, 楽しみにして to now, and I'm doing fair.... as said, my depression comes and goes and even to this day, the pain of the 日 stills hurts. I guess that's the point: I'll always miss Duji, that's all there is to it. Now, I know most owner say the same thing about their pets, but Duji truly was special to me. もっと見る special anyone will ever understand. Duji himself was very unique--you couldn't have asked for a もっと見る human-like dog than him. That dog wasn't stupid in anyway. He was smart, fun and the most beautiful dog I've had the chance to bond with. When times were tough, I was thanked God for giving him to me. He gave me strength, he gave me hope. And as I look back, I'm thankful for what Duji did for me.

However, my 愛 for Duji wasn't always there. When I first got him back in 2000 (just a few weeks after he was born), I hated that dog. I used to be soooo mean to that poor baby, and being the dumb 10 年 old that I was, I couldn't see the whole picture. I couldn't see why Duji was there, why he was in my life. I just remember wanting him to go away, and leave me alone. But over the years, that hatred I once held transformed into love. It took me several years, but before I knew it, Duji and I were inseparable. I know regret ever being so hostile to my son. In no way did Duji ever deserve that--how could he? He never did crap to me, except help me in ways that I was too blind to see. When he died, it was then I knew just how much we had bonded. While he was alive, I told Duji many times that I would always come back to him. I made a promise to him, and I'll keep it forever. But even to this day, I still don't understand why Duji was there. Will I ever know? Not sure, but I am grateful to God for giving me hope in a cute lil ball of fur.

I don't expect any of あなた to understand our, bond at least now あなた know one of the reasons for my depression.

blackpanther666 likes this

Zeppie I'm very sorry about the loss of your dog, he sounds like he was absolutely precious and beautiful. And he looks adorable too. Most people if they read this wouldn't really understand, but one should never underestimate the bond between a dog and master. It is something truly special. I own 2 dogs, however one is mainly my mum's, but the other is very much so my dog and in completely my care. She actually reminds me a lot of your dog in terms of looks, I have a papillon that looks almost identical to this: http://www.dog-learn.com/dog-breeds/papillon/images/papillon-u1.jpg It's hard to find the words to explain that bond huh. But it is seriously something special. Losing a pet, especially one that you are incredibly close to equates to losing a family member. For me, I lost my beautiful cat on my birthday of all days. That cat's name was Zeppie. And if you look at my username, you'll see how much that cat meant to me. And by taking the alias Zeppie for most things I do without my real name, I feel as though he lives on in a weird way. The way your dog went is very unfortunate. But all you gotta do now is just recall the wonderful times you had with him, you seem to have a bunch of pictures that you're lucky you can always look back fondly on. Duji wouldn't wan't to see his master sad, death is horribly something that is inevitable, but we need to keep the wonderful memories of those who have passed in our mind and heart and move forward.

ShadowFan100 Sorry about Zeppie. Thanks for understanding how I feel. It's hard finding someone who knows the pain, especially where I live. Btw, that dog in your link is beautiful :D Well, I try almost everyday to look back to the good times we had, and it helps a lot. I have 37 photos of Duji so I have a lot to look back on. And you know, sometimes I even wonder if Duji ever loved me as much as I did him. Could he have tried to run away from me? Do you think he secretly me deep inside?

Zeppie Hopefully this puts your mind at ease a little more: http://www.ehow.com/info_12047757_dogs-run-away-dying.html It's actually quite normal for a dog or a cat to run away from the owner when they feel like they are sick or dying. He wasn't running away from you because he didn't love you or your home, I think Duji just knew it was his time, so he left. It's kind of sad how it's in our pets instinct to take off for their last moments. You dog was at the age where that time comes, so it would make sense. Same thing happened to Zeppie. We never actually found him. However he did look very old and fragile and was completely blind when we last saw him. One day he just never came back home and the last I ever saw him was him sitting on my bed the night before. Was almost as if he knew that was his last moment too.

ShadowFan100 But he wasn't dying until after the attack. And when you take into account that Duji had a habit of running off even before this, what could that mean? Could he sense his death years before it? And thanks, that does help me. Again, I'm sorry about your cat.

Zeppie He was an old dog, could be that his intention was to wonder off for the reason I said because older dogs do start to distance themselves slowly from the family, but unfortunately while doing so he was attacked because he's older and perhaps weaker. I wouldn't pay any mind to him escaping before that. Dogs are like that, open the door and bam, they're off up the street. The amount of times I've gone chasing after my mums dog is mental. Not a reflection of your relationship, it's just a dog thing to escape if they see the chance because they have a short attention span, and if some opportunity like that pops up, that's all they focus on and just go for it. But regardless, it's still a chance that was the reason and I always tell that to people when they tell me that their dog or cat ran away (even one told me she thought her cat was stolen) yet in every case, the pet was very old. People don't seem to be aware that old animals wonder off to pass away. And no worries, it wasn't nice, but it was years ago, I've accepted it a while back. He was a good cat ^^

ShadowFan100 Ok, I understand now. Would you like to see more pics of Duji? I could post them all on the Random club.

Zeppie Go for it ^^

Riku114 Honestly, I have lost so many pets in my life, especially at a young age, that I am hardly phased by pet deaths any more and actually, I remember the first time I was crushed but quickly lost the ability to be phased though I can understand where you are getting at Despite the lack of being able to phased, I do not think I would be able to remain as composed as I am when my bird and partner Smokey dies. Shes my precious and just imagining it, I can see where you are coming from. Im sorry for Duji's death, though Im sure she would not want her beloved master to be having a horrid life and running to her before his time came. Do not worry. Im sure shes watching over you.

ShadowFan100 Um, not trying to be rude because I do appreciate your comment.... but Duji is a "he". But anyway, thank you so much for understanding! Sorry about your pets, Riku :( I'm sure loved them as I did with mine.

Riku114 ^Gomen XD My mistake. Nah. Its fine.

BlindBandit92 I understand your bond. Maybe not entirely because I haven't lost a pet but I have an idea. If anything happened to any of my friends,family,pets,etc. I'd probably lose it. I can honestly say if I lost everyone in my life. I'd be questioning going on forward but at the same time. I know none of them would want me to be depressed. All of them would want me going forward. All they would want me is to cherish those memories and keep moving forward. Who know you might have your dog spirit always watching over you. making sure you're okay. I am extremely sorry you lost your dog. He seems like a joy to be around.

blackpanther666 I told you I would get around to reading this. I'm sorry to hear about your dog, man. I know the feeling, because I've had plenty of animals die that I loved. It's just a part of life, I suppose, but it still sucks. Anyway, I hope things get better for you, as I said. Take care, man :)

ShadowFan100 To Blindbandit and Blackpanther, Thank-you both so much for reading/commenting! I'm glad there are some who understand our bond because not many people do :( I will try to go on.... for Duji. And for the one who gave Duji to me in the first place: God.