書く The 日 My Family Died

saramanusson posted on Sep 18, 2011 at 12:28AM
Someone once told me that if you have a problem or something that bothers you. You should write about it, to you get it out. Once you written it, you should let someone else read it, and then delete it.
When you let someone read it, you accept it. And when you delete it, you accept it as a closed chapter of your life, that your over. But you shouldn´t delete it right away, you should wait until you feel like, letting go is okay.
On December 25-2002, my grandmother died, i was 7 years old. She had been sick for a very long time, cancer.
It started as breastcancer and eventually spred to the entire body. But the time she passed away she was all skinny and wrinkled. I was at home, with my dad´s family while my mom said goodbye. I was only 7, so i didn´t really understand it, but i remember knowing that something was really really wrong.
And then my dad got a call, and we got in the car and we drove down there, to her and my grandfathers house. It was late, and it was dark outside, i think i has been asleep during the drive. But i remember pulling up infront of the house, there was an ambulance there, i remember the siren. And my mom coming out from the house and getting in the car and we drove away. Nobody told me anything, but i knew, i just knew it.
After her death, my entire family just broke down. My mom and my aunt. And my grandfather, my cousin. I remember my mom and my cousin talk about how my aunt would go out to the kitchen, close the door and just break down and cry. And how they could hear her through the door, but once she came out again, she was fine, no tears. Like i said i was only 7, so i don´t remember it so accurately. At her funeral i had a pink flower, that we put in the grave with her. I didn´t go, i stayed home with my two younger cousins, i guess they though i was too young. My cousin wanted to go, but my mom encouraged her too stay home, she was 13.
I don´t know if it´s true, but when i think back at it, i don´t think i ever dealed with it. I don´t remember suddenly breaking down and cry, like the rest of my family. And i think i went to school as normal.
The only thing i remember is when i had to go to bed, i would make a lot trouble. I would get into a fight with my dad who put me to bed, and then i would run downstairs to my mom. And when she put me to bed i would get in a fight with her, and then run downstairs to my dad. And i would just keep going like that, over and over again.
But i can´t help but wonder if i really didn´t reacted more to it.
I never really though about it, yes christmas sucks, but i don´t think i ever gave that much though into it.
Until about a year ago. When i started boarding school. The first time i really though about it, was when we took a trip. We we´re divided in groups, called familygroups and they we´re gonna be like your substitute family, while we were there. On this trip we would go out into two smaller group on around 8 people each, with out contactteacher, that teacher was gonna be the one that was responsible for you during the year, and the one that your were supposed to talk to, if you ever had a problem.
We had a campfire, we started sunday and this was friday, the same week, so we had just met each other. And the point of the campfire was getting to know each other. So we were supposed to talk about ourself, share our lifestory.
And as the others talked about a teacher who didn´t like them and make their life hell, and their parents divorce and how their mom had cancer but survived, and how they tried to commit suicide. I really, really wanted to tell them about my grandmother. And how hurtfull it was, but when it got to my turn, i just couldn´t do it.
I completely shutted down, i don´t know what happened. I guess i just don´t have a need to sit down with some strangers that i have known for a week and cry over the fact that my grandmother died. Or atleast i though so.
Cause it came back at me, i like literally backfired on me. All those years, not thinking about it, all came back at me.
I remember lying in my bed thinking, i don´t have grandmother. She´s never gonna see me graduate, she not gonna see Mette (my cousin) get married. She wasn´t there to see Line´s first day of school, or my first day at boarding school. She wasn´t there for any of it, and she never will be.
I´m never gonna see her again.
And this last year, i felt like i was morning. Like somehow the reallity of my grandmothers death, had just hit me.
It´s like these last 9 years have been a dream, a dream of denial. And the reallity of what really happened that night, is all new. And i feel like crying, i really feel like breaking down, and cry. But for what because my grandmother died 9 years ago.
Lately i started talking about her, i spoke to my contactteacher somewhere around the time her death occured to me. And he asked me what was wrong, and i wanted to tell him, i really did. But i couldn´t, it was like the words got choked in my mouth, and i was speachless. I made a project with a good friend of mine for school. It was about cancer, her mother had cancer and survived it, so it was a good subject for us. But that week, working on it, that was really hard. It brought up a lot of memories. I actually talked to her about how hard it was. We made a video with interviews of hers and my family, about the affect of cancer in a family.
And when i had to ask my family all those question about how their life have been, i swear i could have died. My mom even started crying, and my cousin got all silent for a moment. I wanted to cry to, but i didn´t.
I can´t help but wonder of my grandmother is in heaven now. And watching down on me. Somehow i kinda hope she dosen´t, cause i don´t think she would like me. I don´t like me, and if i had known me when i was sweet and 7, and saw me now, i wouldn´t like me.
My grandfather´s been crap ever since she died. He´s totally given up on life, he just dosen´t wan´t to anymore. All he ever does is sit in his house and watch tv, he hardly ever comes to our birthday´s. He had a heartattack once, and died for a few seconds. They brought him back to life again, but i once heard him say that he wished they hadn´t. That they should have just letten him die.
I think the day my grandmother died, my family died. A part of each member died with her. And they will never be okay.

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1年以上前 ivoryphills said…
Something you should know:
God loves your grandmother, and because of that, she's up there in heaven, happily living the life of eternal youth, and probably even going to God personally and asking Him to bless you guys so that you'd heal. And you know, it's okay if you felt numb for 9 years, because well, pain hurts, and who'd want to feel that? Heck, I felt pretty numb when I heard that my aunt was killed, but I loved her, so I knew that the numbness, and the inevitable grief, would pass. I guess I'm trying to say that it'll all be okay.
1年以上前 coriann said…
aw, how sad. your grandmother must have meant alot to you. well, ik how it feels like to lose somebody important to you. but they always remain a part of you. and im sur youre not a bad person. you just need time to get over it
1年以上前 writer67 said…
many young are not allowed to be involved with the death of a family member, as we are considered too young, but it would be in our best interest to be allowed to agnowledge death as a part of life. it happens for all. you never got a chance to say a farewell, and others do not allow you to put in your peice. its always the young that suffer, amd all you wanted was to be involved. at the fire , she would have been proud of you, for being strong, as you are part of her the third generation. you may have been 7 but you new something was up. why be sad, she is in a place where there is no hurt sadness or illness. she never gave up even when she was in pain, for she had survived much and beleived in setting an example, pink must have been one of her favourite colors, and u must be a lot like her. she is proud of u, for being a survivor with the strength to go on, even when others can not talk about her. why do they cry, didnt they get to say their goodbyes. i beleive we all meet up again, alike in the scene from titanic, when they all die. they go back to the happiest time of their lives with the sounds of awesome music.i hope you do graduate, and in the crowd you will see the color to let you now she is always nearby, so never give up, and hold that head of yours high,u come from a long line of strong women, who even in pain dont allow others know it hurts. i hope you have finished your project, and got an a+. many would like to put cancer under something, and not deal with it. some want t try to understand it, and try to find a cure. there is a common trait, and each family needs to talk, as it could and may affect one of them. family medical history is important, for your future generations. ur grandad does love her very much, but she wouldnt want him feeling sad. she would want him to be happy, for she isnt in pain no more. if she could hug through him , or attend a birthday, she would be with him, watch the candles on the birth day, to prove my words, she will aways be near, so do her proud, and graduate with honors, in the name of her, and may peace be with you. ;-]
1年以上前 RiverIce said…
HOLY CRAP... sad, im sorry, umm... its like ive nvr been in somthing like this like a family member dies, and i feel like crying, i dnt have like far famly members, cuz they all live in Mass. and soooo... yeah...
1年以上前 wolfclan121 said…
one of my family members died yrs ago. well not really i mean it was my dog Toby. he was my only friend and "Pets" will always be my only friends i thought it was my fault and i tried to commit suicide cos i felt no one else really cared. a boy down the street broke in our backyard and shot him with a nail gun. i was first to find him i was only 7. the boy's parents sued us saying he acted out of self deafence. but Toby would never hurt some one and why was he in our backyard in the first place? but anyway the judge hates dogs and we owed them 3,000 dollers. i went to hundreds of shrinks but it never helped. then i started geting pains in my joints and its apparently because of the memory. 1 yr after he passed i had a dream i was sitting the pourch and suddenly Toby flys down to me. it was him but with no eyes and talked to me he said. "Why'd ya do it Richelle! Huh, why'd ya kill me!" I screamed. " I didnt do it! I didnt do it!" then he few off. i looked down at the stairs and a giant red back spider crawled up my arm and i squshed it. the guts were green and the pattern was shaped like my mothers face. then i woke and 1 week later my mum died by a red back spider attack and know i live with my bro cos my dads in Canada on a bussiness trip.
last edited 1年以上前
1年以上前 sehdt said…
Hi, Very good, I understand where you come from my nan died when I was three 32 years ago. Things accured which should not have and the result is its affected me ever since. As a family a part of us will die when my dads parents die and that will be sooner rather than later and I am dreading it. As for your grandma she is looking down and if needed I am sure she will be there in her own way. I believe my nan has helped me at least three times to avoid big dangers. This might help you I talk in whispers to nan usually I go and light a prayer candle for her in church on the anniversary of her death and at the same time whisper all my problems to her and it makes me feel better. Just a thought.
1年以上前 katherine_zhong said…
Hi, I can feel your thoughts. My grandmother died when I was preparing for a important exam. I can't stay with her and listen to her. I feel so regretful. But nothing can be altered, You can not go back. Just keep the momeries in heart and pray her to have a better life in heaven.
1年以上前 Thefifthrace93 said…
I know how you feel believe me. I had all 4 of my grandparents pass away before I was born. I never got to meet them, say hello or talk to them. When ever my parents talk about them, they seemed like the best of people you could meet. I've heard so many stories about them. The hardest thing growing up for me was a yearly school event called Grandparents day. The grandparents of the students would come in and go to morning church, and eat lunch with their student. Every year I was painfully reminded that I would never get that experience as I was alone for the day. Later on oblivious to the real world and death that comes with it I experienced another tragedy. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer, and weeks later my only uncle from my other side of the family was too. They both passed away in my sophomore year of high school, within a month of each other. My aunt went first shortly before thanksgiving, my uncle a few days before my birthday. My family fell apart from that and now we don't even speak to my other two aunts anymore. Three long years later, our dog of ten years, a member of the family herself passed away after thanksgiving. While I hope for death to stave off for good this time I know that before to long my 2 other dogs will share the same fate themselves both being old. On top of that my parents are both 61 years old now. My father a smoker since he was 17 will most likely not live make it through the decade as he has already had one heart attack. My mother who seems to have grown old magically old before my eyes (I remember when she could still sprint up the stairs) probably has till 75 in her if she takes care of herself. I don't mean to start a pity party, and apologize if I am. My point is that death chases each and everyone of us and no matter what we do we cannot get away from it. That doesn't mean we can't enjoy the run does it? One positive thing I can say that came out from all this death is that it woke me up to the fact that there is no master plan or creator. I learned in my sophomore year despite all my years before being raised as a roman catholic, I had become an atheist. I am not saying that everyone should or does eventually. I just want to say that going around worrying about your grandmother looking down on you from heaven is no way to live in my opinion. Try to live your life as best you can not because of "gods" plan but because of who you are and what you know to be right. I hope in the year sear since this article was written, that you and your family have managed to find some sense of peace. If not, and you still struggle all I can say is that you should all try to enjoy your life that you have left together. Good luck to you. Remember that even though we are all on the run, it doesn't mean we can't stop and check out the sites every once and a while.