Someone once told me that if you have a problem or something that bothers you. You should write about it, to you get it out. Once you written it, you should let someone else read it, and then delete it.
When you let someone read it, you accept it. And when you delete it, you accept it as a closed chapter of your life, that your over. But you shouldn´t delete it right away, you should wait until you feel like, letting go is okay.
On December 25-2002, my grandmother died, i was 7 years old. She had been sick for a very long time, cancer.
It started as breastcancer and eventually spred to the entire body. But the time she passed away she was all skinny and wrinkled. I was at home, with my dad´s family while my mom said goodbye. I was only 7, so i didn´t really understand it, but i remember knowing that something was really really wrong.
And then my dad got a call, and we got in the car and we drove down there, to her and my grandfathers house. It was late, and it was dark outside, i think i has been asleep during the drive. But i remember pulling up infront of the house, there was an ambulance there, i remember the siren. And my mom coming out from the house and getting in the car and we drove away. Nobody told me anything, but i knew, i just knew it.
After her death, my entire family just broke down. My mom and my aunt. And my grandfather, my cousin. I remember my mom and my cousin talk about how my aunt would go out to the kitchen, close the door and just break down and cry. And how they could hear her through the door, but once she came out again, she was fine, no tears. Like i said i was only 7, so i don´t remember it so accurately. At her funeral i had a pink flower, that we put in the grave with her. I didn´t go, i stayed home with my two younger cousins, i guess they though i was too young. My cousin wanted to go, but my mom encouraged her too stay home, she was 13.
I don´t know if it´s true, but when i think back at it, i don´t think i ever dealed with it. I don´t remember suddenly breaking down and cry, like the rest of my family. And i think i went to school as normal.
The only thing i remember is when i had to go to bed, i would make a lot trouble. I would get into a fight with my dad who put me to bed, and then i would run downstairs to my mom. And when she put me to bed i would get in a fight with her, and then run downstairs to my dad. And i would just keep going like that, over and over again.
But i can´t help but wonder if i really didn´t reacted more to it.
I never really though about it, yes christmas sucks, but i don´t think i ever gave that much though into it.
Until about a year ago. When i started boarding school. The first time i really though about it, was when we took a trip. We we´re divided in groups, called familygroups and they we´re gonna be like your substitute family, while we were there. On this trip we would go out into two smaller group on around 8 people each, with out contactteacher, that teacher was gonna be the one that was responsible for you during the year, and the one that your were supposed to talk to, if you ever had a problem.
We had a campfire, we started sunday and this was friday, the same week, so we had just met each other. And the point of the campfire was getting to know each other. So we were supposed to talk about ourself, share our lifestory.
And as the others talked about a teacher who didn´t like them and make their life hell, and their parents divorce and how their mom had cancer but survived, and how they tried to commit suicide. I really, really wanted to tell them about my grandmother. And how hurtfull it was, but when it got to my turn, i just couldn´t do it.
I completely shutted down, i don´t know what happened. I guess i just don´t have a need to sit down with some strangers that i have known for a week and cry over the fact that my grandmother died. Or atleast i though so.
Cause it came back at me, i like literally backfired on me. All those years, not thinking about it, all came back at me.
I remember lying in my bed thinking, i don´t have grandmother. She´s never gonna see me graduate, she not gonna see Mette (my cousin) get married. She wasn´t there to see Line´s first day of school, or my first day at boarding school. She wasn´t there for any of it, and she never will be.
I´m never gonna see her again.
And this last year, i felt like i was morning. Like somehow the reallity of my grandmothers death, had just hit me.
It´s like these last 9 years have been a dream, a dream of denial. And the reallity of what really happened that night, is all new. And i feel like crying, i really feel like breaking down, and cry. But for what because my grandmother died 9 years ago.
Lately i started talking about her, i spoke to my contactteacher somewhere around the time her death occured to me. And he asked me what was wrong, and i wanted to tell him, i really did. But i couldn´t, it was like the words got choked in my mouth, and i was speachless. I made a project with a good friend of mine for school. It was about cancer, her mother had cancer and survived it, so it was a good subject for us. But that week, working on it, that was really hard. It brought up a lot of memories. I actually talked to her about how hard it was. We made a video with interviews of hers and my family, about the affect of cancer in a family.
And when i had to ask my family all those question about how their life have been, i swear i could have died. My mom even started crying, and my cousin got all silent for a moment. I wanted to cry to, but i didn´t.
I can´t help but wonder of my grandmother is in heaven now. And watching down on me. Somehow i kinda hope she dosen´t, cause i don´t think she would like me. I don´t like me, and if i had known me when i was sweet and 7, and saw me now, i wouldn´t like me.
My grandfather´s been crap ever since she died. He´s totally given up on life, he just dosen´t wan´t to anymore. All he ever does is sit in his house and watch tv, he hardly ever comes to our birthday´s. He had a heartattack once, and died for a few seconds. They brought him back to life again, but i once heard him say that he wished they hadn´t. That they should have just letten him die.
I think the day my grandmother died, my family died. A part of each member died with her. And they will never be okay.