Critic: So our story begins when they spot two children who, あなた guessed it, stopped caring.
Friend Bear: Hi. I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears. (both stand up and pose)
Jason: (in disgusted tone) What do あなた want?
Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.
NC (vo): Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote/unquote "Caring." I mean, if I'm ordering a ピザ with a friend, is it like...
[Cuts to skit with two NCs talking to each other]
NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings あなた want?
NC 2: Eh, I don't care. (In panicked tone) No, no, wait! I didn't mea- (sparkling effects sound and NC moans lightly).
Care くま, クマ (off-screen): Hi. We're the Care Bears, and everybody has to care about something--
(NC brings out his gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears as they are heard screaming.
NC: あなた know...dick. Cause that's what あなた are, a fucking dick. When あなた 表示する this image of the American flag destroyed...
(Such an image is shown)
NC (vo): ...you're not just 表示中 your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt."
NC: But, it's very clear that what is important to あなた is not how あなた view America. What is important to あなた is how others see あなた viewing America. So, あなた can make up whatever あなた want. あなた can fabricate things, あなた can lie about history.
(The hospital attack is shown)
NC (vo): あなた can exaggerate, あなた can glorify, あなた can demonize, あなた can distort the facts.
NC: あなた can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who ロスト their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that あなた (thumping his chest) fuck 愛 America. (now in full-on serious mode) I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who have ロスト their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their 尻, お尻 on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to 表示する that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people, because they weren't really there, so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, あなた don't deserve the responsibility to 表示する real events. あなた don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when あなた take it and base it on a real event, あなた have to 表示する these real people. あなた have to get it right, Michael Bay! あなた have to get it right! Because this, this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, あなた can do whatever あなた want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fuck Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When あなた take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means あなた have to do two things. One, あなた have to grow up and be an adult! Two, あなた have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, あなた SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!
Maxie: (narrates) Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made. And here we have the ecstatic newlyweds Angelica and William, together with Mother Nanny, Granny, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they all live happily ever after. See あなた soon.
NC: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! What the hell is wrong with you?! This isn't a postcard! This is the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If あなた wanted to be really faithful, あなた would've said…
NC (voiceover): (as Maxie) Kirk and 短剣, ダーク, ディルク got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married, as well as adopted the two Dalmatians, (An old black-and-white illustration of the real-life タイタニック sinking is shown) and over 1,500 died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See あなた soon!
Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins in this situation. Does that mean I don't like "The Dark Knight"? Not at all. I just like "Batman" a little more. And, uh, my only hope is that Christian Bale doesn't take what I 発言しました about him too seriously— [The Critic's cell phone rings] 'Scuse me. [Opens and 回答 it] Hello?
Christian Bale: [Utilizing audio from his infamous rant] What the fuck are あなた DOING?!
Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, man, I just thought—
Christian Bale: No, don't just be sorry. THINK for one fuckin' second!
Nostalgia Critic: Well that's not very nice.
Christian Bale: What the fuck is it with you? Are あなた professional または not?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't like to brag, but—
Christian Bale: Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur!
Nostalgia Critic: Look, I don't know why you're getting so angry—
Christian Bale: No, shut the fuck up!
Nostalgia Critic: Maybe I could, uh—
Christian Bale: No! NO!! I wanna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!
Nostalgia Critic: Why are あなた so angry? I just don't get it.
Christian Bale: What don't あなた get about it?
Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, hold on. [Addresses the viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so あなた don't have to. [Resumes the call]
Christian Bale: Gimme a fuckin' answer!
Nostalgia Critic: I just don't get why あなた made バットマン sound like he had lung cancer.
Christian Bale: Ohhh, good for you! You're a nice guy.
Nostalgia Critic: Why thank you!
Christian Bale: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Nostalgia Critic: あなた shut up! Go make "Reign of 火災, 火 2"!
Christian Bale: No!
Nostalgia Critic: YES!
Christian Bale: NO!!
Nostalgia Critic: YES!!
Christian Bale: Fuck's sake.
Nostalgia: Hello, I’m the…Nostalgia Critic. (pauses) I remember it so あなた don’t have to. And… (He looks up to scan the entire group before lowering his head again in a bit of shame and speak quickly) I kinda like “Spider-Man 3.”
(All the people in the group shout in outrage, and one male gets on a 表, テーブル to pound on it in rage),
Nostalgia: I do!
Pistachio: あなた know, I could tell just によって looking at you. (holds up a mini-corn dog and a small handful of nuts) あなた have a little wiener...and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
NC: (bursts into loud, over the top, sarcastic laughter, that gets もっと見る and もっと見る hysterical, he then gets out of his chair and leaves the room. Cut to outside where Jim Jarosz is on his cell phone when NC comes out with a baseball bat, continuing to laugh hysterically while beating him down. He then sees Prof. Birmingham Dickens.)
Dickens: Oh, hello.
(A crazy-laughing NC runs up to him and beats the professor down as well. NC then looks at the camera like a wild man and starts running towards him as the cameramen tries backing away but is too slow and Critic beats down the cameraman).
NC: (continues to laugh like a maniac as he throws the bat away and walks off screen left. The camera then pans down to the carnage NC has left as we see Prof. Birmingham Dickens put his pipe into his mouth. Cut back to NC's room as he calms down and sits back down in his chair.)
NC: (suddenly conscious) Where was I the last two minutes?
Nostalgia Critic: Fucking-A, this is My Little ポニー fanfiction! Can't あなた just see an episode ending like that?!
[cuts to a clip of My Little Pony]
Fluttershy: Anyone who would give their soul for love, has the power to change the world! Isn't that right, Ghost ポニー Rider?
Ghost ポニー Rider: (demonic roar)
Critic: FUCJKING BUBBLES!!
Mark: I used to know this girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Nostalgia Critic: That's not funny, あなた sick fuck.
Denny: I just like to watch あなた guys.
NC: (stunned again) Uhhhhhh...
Blade: Some motherfuckers are always tryin' to ice-skate uphill...
Nostalgia Critic: That is a really weird note to go out on.
Pennywise: I’ll 表示する あなた how to FLOOOAAAT down here.
Critic: Why doesn’t he just EAT these fucking kids? He’s eaten like half of the other kids in the neighborhood! Why doesn’t he just finish them off? I mean, what the hell is もっと見る important in his time?
Critic: (imitates Pennywise) RARRR, I've got あなた now, little boy! (beeping sound, and he looks at his watch) Oh, my God, it’s almost 3:00! (The Critic leaves the screen camera from the left and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song plays.)
(The キッチン phone rings, and Tory 回答 it)
Tory: Hello? Hello? Help us, please! Come help us! We’re trapped inside of here!
Pennywise: Do あなた have Prince Albert in a can? あなた do? Well, ya better let the poor guy out! Wha-haw! Wha-Haw! Wha-Haw!
(Tory hangs up and tears the phone off the wall)
Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
Critic: Somebody lit it! Somebody lit it!
Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help あなた find the true answer.
NC: Yes. Just listen to the magic, talking bear.
メリダとおそろしの森 Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playful ハート, 心 Monkey and メリダとおそろしの森 Heart. [Cuts to scene from Mel Gibson's Braveheart]
NC: I know, I know. But how can I not put that in?