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This ride we have ridden, this journey we have journeyed, this hellish corpse-laden voyage we have embarked on the good ship #TGITanic, has come to a close, and the top of this murder Matterhorn is one thoroughly jaw-dropping two-hour finale that teases your mind just as swiftly as it blows it.

The two-part installment was a doozy, between the Rebecca Hostage Crisis, Nate’s prison sentence from hell, a very enigmatic priest, bombshell revelations about who killed Lila, and a gut-punch to the best gay relationship on television.

Here’s how this recap—my last one!—is going to play out. To jump right to the explanation of the Night of the Water Tank Bitch, go to page three. For those shocking developments about Michaela’s ring, Asher’s snack-attack, and Connor’s STD test, hit page four. That’s where you’ll also find the case-of-the-week breakdown, plus the Big Questions you should be thinking about over summer.

But for now, it’s time to dive in to the present day, which finds Wes becoming the man he was always kind of sort of maybe destined to almost potentially be.

Two things defined the first hour of tonight’s two-part finale: Annalise’s case involving a priest who killed another priest, and Wes’s dangerous dance with Rebecca after HE found out she lied about Rudy and SHE found out he was snooping in the psych ward.

For now, let’s start with Wes and Laurel, who are in a tailspin about whether to confront Rebecca with their newfound knowledge that she was behind Rudy’s committal to the psych ward—and that Rudy said “wet” when shown her picture.

Wes, in his blind obedience to Rebecca’s good qualities (which, as far as I can tell, include self-piercings and drug mixing and not much else), thinks that maybe she’ll come around and explain the truth, but Laurel, pragmatic as she’s been since the Night of the Flying Cheerleader, insists that Wes stay quiet. Rebecca could easily take them all down for Sam’s murder, especially since she was the only one who didn’t get rid of the body. Wes mulls telling Annalise, but again, Laurel discourages it, opining how Annalise would feel knowing that her husband was killed for nothing. (Prediction: Not great.)

What the Wes-Laurel Wonder Twins (whose powers activate whenever he wears plaid or she changes boyfriends)

know is that Rebecca has been tracking Wes’ phone and knows he lied to her about his whereabouts as he went digging around Rudy’s psych ward. And so the two embark on a delicate tango, making love ON A LITERAL BED OF LIES as neither admits to knowing about the other’s dirty, potentially eruptive secret. It’s just like

except instead of two secret agents, it’s a dumbass law student and his trashy girlfriend. (Sorry for being rude, but we wouldn’t be in this situation if Wes wasn’t so gullible and Rebecca wasn’t so awful.)

With both lovers playing confession chicken, Wes continues to secretly dig up Rebecca’s old testimonies, searching for proof to catch her in a lie. He even tries replicating the timeline of the walk from Griffin’s fraternity house to Lila’s sorority house, all of which builds Laurel’s case that Wes is going full crazy. Laurel insists that Wes needs to at least answer the phone when Rebecca calls, in order to stave off suspicion; when she

call, Rebecca gives Wes one last opportunity to hang out before she heads into the campus police station for God knows what kind of shenanigans (well, we do actually know—in hour two).

Unaware that Rebecca’s moving the pieces on her own monochromatic board of Death Eater chess, Wes and Laurel are having the same argument for probably the fourth time when Michaela and Connor finally overhear them bickering. Wes reveals everything—his doubts about Rebecca, his theories about Lila, his birthday wish list (spoiler: more plaid). And without even a second of hesitation, Michaela—who has had it up to HERE with the bullshit of this high-maintenance homicidal social circle—takes control of the situation like Tracy Flick at a Staples. “Where is she?” Michaela demands, and Wes decides he wants to protect Rebecca

past that. “NO,” yells Michaela. “WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?”

Moments later, they’re all waiting at Rebecca’s (or is it Wes’? Do they live together? Do I care anymore?) apartment in search of a once-and-for-all style answer. When Rebecca arrives, Connor, Michaela, and Laurel all take their turns ripping Rebecca’s story apart like tender pulled pork, with Wes sitting in silence like a very tall sweet potato. Rebecca doesn’t indulge their demands, incredulous that they don’t trust her, and at one point, Michaela even slaps Rebecca with both a point-blank question (and a mean backhand): “Tell us the damn truth, Rebecca. Did you or did you not kill Lila?”

. “I found the campus cop,” says Rebecca with a sickening grin on her face like she just took all the red Starburst and left you with only yellows. She’s talking about the campus cop who spotted Murder, Inc. on their way out of the Keating house on the Night of the Flying Cheerleader, when Michaela pretended to call Annalise and Connor’s car was haphazardly parked outside. Rebecca reveals that the cop was fired after Sam disappeared, which was no doubt the handiwork of Annalise and Frank, and now the cop lives in Delaware. “Don’t make me call him,” Rebecca threatens. And the look on the faces of Murder, Inc. is enough to get them to call their last resort.

Next thing we know, there’s a knock on the door—it’s Annalise, who’s been summoned over to the apartment. She finds Connor, Laurel, Michaela, and Wes looking guilty about something. “What the hell’s going on?” she asks, and her honor roll students direct her toward the bathroom…

…where Rebecca is bound and gagged. Which, I’m not going to lie, is the greatest pre-birthday gift I can ever ask for.

NEXT: PART TWO: ALL TIED UP AND NOWHERE TO SULK

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